It...

...it's me...

...it is myself

...it is I...

All warring one with the other...there is a bone deep loathing, a disgust with self...

There is a rot deep in the root; buried by calculation, manipulation, by cruely spoken word and deed...that rot moves and spreads up stalk into every molecule and fibre of its being until victim/survivor is awash in self-hatred, understanding not that these intrusive thoughts are not their own.

They are so deeply buried and burned within the psyche they appear as our own thoughts, our own words, our own failings and mistakes and yet...

I hear these thoughts regularly and fight against them fiercely...one by one, cut out at that root and thrown into a cleansing, purifying fire of compassion and grace, mercy and kindness.

I fight within myself for peace, for these THINGS, these hangers-on to disperse, to leave, to be blown out by holy wind, by the Spirit of God who sees all, and understands our plight, our fight, our battles, our wars.

Today I war particularly with leaving my own home to travel to see loved ones...those who see me and know me, and more, love me as I am.

Battling a cold, tis the flu season, can weaken heart and mind, weaken defenses...I war with being lonely yet push against allowing anyone in to alleviate that loneliness.

Ah, the dichotomy of trauma...we crave connection, yet shy away from more, from the offering of others to make connection.

It is me, It is myself, It is I...