Sex....

The sun is up and providing a watery sort of light this morning to the Canadian Geese honking their way into my small town. Landing God only knows where with all the snow still blanketing the ground, rivers frozen...nights dipping down to -10 or more. Coming in in large flocks, in small dribs and drabs making their way across the sky, coming in for landings resembling airplanes, flaps up, wheels down...It is a sight to see.

This morning I came upon a video from a therapist speaking on Narcissism and Sex, or the lack thereof.

I have often thought to broach the subject despite the slight feeling of reticence that my mother ingrained in me, my oh so proper mother, God bless her soul. However, my knowledge is based only on my own experience with the narcissists in my life. The first I will not touch on as it involves the father of my children and we remain friends to this day. The other two serious relationships I most definitely will explore and express the hurt, the anguish involved in this one sensitive area.

Four Reasons this gentleman theorized the narcissist in your world withholds sex, and if you're experiencing any of these I am so sorry. I know the damage done, the incredibly rejecting, traumatizing destruction this brings to the heart, the mind and the spirit.

They are as follows in order of least to top reason:

4. Erectile dysfunction - this one is self-explanatory, mostly. Performance issues...the person in your life would rather avoid the act than try to fix the issue. Their hand does not care how long or how short the act is, just the satisfaction it brings to them while they leave you in the dark.

3. In the Closet - again, self-explanatory. I often wondered about my most recent x, if he had leanings that way. His *sshole was a topic of conversation....alot. Perhaps this was just his way of demeaning me, suggesting acts he knew I would never do.

2. Cheating - yeah...definitely self-explanatory. Usually, however, this denotes a strong sex drive as this individual will cheat with prostitutes, sidepieces or whoever available and still come home and perform with his partner/wife.

In my case, while I know there was occasional physical cheating, it was mostly online. Porn, live sexchat, live stripchat and chatting with other women on dating sites and so on. His pleasure was paramount, the most important part of the relationship.

1. Numero uno... the top reason for no sex in the relationship is control.

Control over when...control over how...control over the act and the truly disappointing nature of his ability and desire to bring pleasure to his partner.

The more you want them, the further you drive them away. It becomes a game to see how long and how little you will take in the intimacy game.

You are relegated to begging...to asking...to communicating...and back to begging...

And so begins the shutdown...the numbing...the dissociating...the survival...

And so begins the observation of your partner flirting with everyone else, talking to dirty to other women when he does nothing of the kind with you.

Everything the partner desires is withheld from you...the monster then adds insult to injury by giving himself sexually to others.

'I don't do that...I never do that shit'.....evidence pointed to the opposite, evidence right there on his phone....

'I'm loyal'....evidence pointing to the lie...over and over and over....and the lies compound, become full of holes while the drama increases, while the gaslighting increases....accusing you of cheating, calling you a whore...a cumdump...all to re-direct the attention from him to you, and while you stand in shock and dismay and disbelief, his indiscretions and the attestation as clear as the f*cking nose on his face gets relegated to a cold back burner. Until the next time...

Until the time you caught him doing his thing in the back of a customers truck...desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose and yet, the perverseness of the choice of place for his selfish fun was all part and parcel of the heat for him. It added to... did not detract from his satisfaction.

Every abuser is different...but the game, the demolition of your sanity is the same for each one. They kill two birds...a whole flock of birds fall dead to the ground...by withholding the greatest gift God gave us, the union of two people who love each other...gifting themselves with the pleasure and then giving it to other women, perhaps men...handing it out like candy to whoever will stop long enough to jump into the mix...and watching you struggle every day and each night as you crawl into bed and the snuggling that ensues.

Ah dear friends...the absolute dichotomy of someone you love holding you close whilst knowing in your heart that they truly care nothing for you but what you can provide....every day...every night...days and weeks turned into months and yet...somehow the dissolution of the relationship was my fault.

This is the insanity the abuser believes...that I was at fault...that he did nothing wrong...

Every act of physical abuse was explained away by my behaviour....pointing at his inability to see that his lack of control over his emotions was the cause...not that the laundry didn't get done to his satisfaction, that I made myself lunch that day...that the house wasn't clean enough for him...the bare knuckle punches to the head, over and over and over again, were my fault.

The fuel for the fire became a thing of ridiculousness, of absurdity....that spot of hair dye no bigger than a dime on the base of the wall...

The fuel for the fire became a living, breathing entity that swept the bizarre, the outrageous and preposterous into a blazing inferno that burned everything in its path.

The fire shooting from his eyes...the hands a weapon, the words a destructive path of verbal vehemence.

And what could put this inferno out, what would stop the sea from rising and drowning you in its violence? Nothing...

Fighting back raised the bar, something I never thought possible became probable....

Speaking quietly, like gasoline on the blaze...

Speaking nothing, an invitation to more physical violence....

Dear friends, if any of this is hitting home...see and hear and know.... it is time to run...safely, carefully and with much thought and planning...

No one....NO ONE deserves to be treated such. No one.....

You...you are precious...you are worthy...

Find a way, a safe way to go and know that while you find your peace he will continue to try to detract and subtract from that peace. It is a battle everyday, but it is a battle you choose to fight while safe and finally free of that hellacious relationship.

You are capable...

You are strong....

Warrior Queens all. God go with you today and every day as you fight to survive and find your way out.

You are loved and needed...do not give up on hope of a better life, a life of freedom from fear.