War....

I war with my loneliness...some days I feel so lonely, not alone...no...I am well equipped for alone...but the loneliness that creeps in at the edges of my vision, the tattered sails that unfurl in the wind to catch bits and scattered pieces of love, of kindness...as I sit, or stand, walk or run, swim or hike, thoughts swirl whirl in torrents of tormented anguish...the need for touch, skin to skin contact, connection blasts me from all sides like a hurricane of tempest wind...

There are no easy answers, no easy couplings; taking on a lover is an impossibility with the standards set before me...a value system designed to protect, guard and reveal all at the same time...a need for respect, for being the one and only...guarded, protected, loved without measure...

That is my new standard and I will not back down from it, no longer will I become servile in order to feel loved, hated instead of cherished, bemoaned in place of loved for all the little quirks and differences I bring.

How easily this segues into those who turn to others on higher platforms than they for clarification, for truth, when all along it is within them...that same vision, that same relationship to a God who takes the time to whisper in our ears words of life and love.

How desperately we listen, follow and blindly take in the charlatans who speak of God while taking all the credit, becoming god-like themselves in their own greedy eyes.

Perhaps desperate is incorrect, perhaps it is closer to need than desperation...a need to believe in something bigger than ourselves, something more, supernatural and elemental.

Magic in form and three person trinity...I believe in miracles, in magic, in the supernatural, in something more than just us...a Creator who loves, who watches like an anxious parent, hands wrung as we take a slight turn to the left instead of that wide accommodating right turn, neon lights flashing....'this way.' I also believe that while there is a place for evangelical preachers and those who spread the good word, it is a position of some power that can corrupt absolutely and without remorse, following along after selfish pursuits, pursuits they cannot see themselves without someone to hold them accountable.

The Jimmy Swaggarts, the countless others who have taken the authority for their own despite the teachings that fly from their lips in impassioned pleas. We, each of us, has this ability, this magical quality...each with God's ear actively listening, loving...each with a sparkling nudging, guiding us gently in right and wrong, in the pursuit of happiness. It is not destined only for the 'select' few, for the saints rather than the sinners...if we follow the teachings of the Bible, we are each of us saints, our sins thrown before the cross to be forgiven in grace and mercy without end.

I know, in clear delineation, gold flagged moments along the timeline of my life, the miraculous hand of God intervening...at times in quiet tones, others in thunderous notes of righteous anger at the dark deeds being committed. Saved...yes, from death...perhaps it is viewed as crazy, as holding on to something that needs to be forgotten...ah dear friends, near death experiences piled on on top of the other shall never be forgotten, no...worked through, picked at, exposed and expunged, yes...yes and amen.

I wish most to enlighten, to educate, to shock somewhat into understanding what the hell woman go through behind closed doors, when the mask is drop-kicked to the ground and consequently boot stomped to oblivion in a flash bomb of rage and insanity.

Back to death and its greasy, slimy hand snatching loved ones from our grasp with all the finesse of a rhinoceros in mating season...lost ones, survivors have faced this horrible visage daily, weekly, monthly, yearly....and before the judgement flag is thrown upon the field, that at any time they could just, ya know, leave...go and live with someone who is facing down fear with every breath they breathe and then take that impotent stand of self-righteous belief in your own infallibility. We would stand in silent grief and watch the stand, the podium, the supremacy, crumble and fall to dust, spilling your body and mind to the ground.

Seeing your own death and then expecting, hoping, wishing the abuser, the one who raised his hand at you, his fist, his feet, his head meeting your face, to be the one to heal the wounds dug deep into your psyche. This is the work of a genius mastermind with evil intent.

And only evil intent. Is the pain not proof enough? Are the bruises, the bleeding nose and lip, the black eye, not enough? Are the words of cruelty and dismissiveness, and oh the dichotomy of those two terms, not enough?

When is enough, enough dear hearts?

Stand for it no more...find your way free...life is meant to be lived, not feared. Love is meant to soothe and heal, inspire and encourage, intimacy after intimacy explored with mutual respect and need...

Love is meant to save not throw to the wolves, not to tear and render impotent...

Love is meant to bring life and safety to the table, instead you are served a meal of overwhelming fear, disgust, perversion, derision, and dastardly doings.

With the advent of Easter behind us, I think on new life...on what is in the future...on new beginnings and endings...I move forward always, even if it is inches, feet instead of miles...it is still an onward marching to the new, the sublime, the realization of dreams and goals.

No matter dear treasures....do not be discouraged by your seemingly show progress...one day you will turn to look back and see how far you have really come.

You will view your most terrifying moments, the climb from the pit to safety, to freedom...

You will view your lowest times, where perhaps you felt abandoned, alone in every way...and see the footsteps beside yours, leading you to "lie down in green pastures," through the valley of the shadow of death with a peace that transcends fear, leaps over buildings with a single thought, crosses the mighty raging rivers with ease, with grace, with dignity...

We are never alone my friends...we have a Father who loves and will never leave nor forsake.

Our guiding star in the East...our hope and our salvation....from evil, from insidious poisonous takers, abusers, monsters bent on mayhem and mischief of an evil kind.

May you stand today in strength, but more...may you stand in knowledge of your worth, your purpose on this earth at just this time...may wisdom steer your ship, may strength keep you grounded and here where you are needed, necessary...may grace dog your steps, may mercy remind you of the love you share and give in equal measure with such forethought for the pain others may feel...

God bless your days...each and every one, as you move and live this life we've been blessed with...there IS good, there is hope and a life full of better, more than what you see now each day...oh, if only we could all wake as from a nightmare and truly see the person for who and what they are, this continent would have a phalanx of single men walking bewildered and angry for losing their supply, their usury gains gone in a puff of smoke and mirrors...

Stand strong Queens (and kings) and take your power back, your confidence and assurance, your career and intelligence....all things wait patiently for your step from that path of sorrow and confusion...

Walk proud in the knowledge of who you truly are meant to be, of how you are truly meant to be treated and cherished...

May you know the love of your Creator deep within your lost soul, may it guide you free from fear and loathing.