Visit...

My heart lay heavy this morning...muscles sore from a full day alone out in the field yesterday...a satisfying feeling, a sense of triumph as I dealt with downed trees blocking access, the mama bear and her tiny cub, and the apocalyptic look of the Kenney Dam reservoir as fires rage not far down the road...my emotions run the gamut of joy over an amazing day to sorrow, misgivings and self-doubt...

The chat with a familiar face while waiting on the Holy Cross Forest Road for a call from my youngest...one of the fallers on his way out to the fires stopped for a quick visit...

The conversation with an elderly woman at Cheslatta falls as I dressed for bucking...

Life giving moments....

Affirming moments...

The absolute quiet as I stood looking over the water and the smoke lying low, the fire red glow on the rocks of the beach...I took it all in and breathed, just breathed fully...the solitude a balm, a potion, an elixir to my spirit, my soul...my mind and heart breathed out the sorrow and anxiety...

As I sit sipping my hot cup of coffee this morning I reflect and read and pray and rejoice and discernment arrives....

From a young age I have been a delayed reaction sort of person...things hit me later, rise up from the depths hours, days after an event. Oh I may feel low, but I will not understand why for in the moment I am fine, coshure and calm.

Yesterday as I was out in that area I revisited a site that has been haunting me...playing at the edges of my mind as I work closer and closer to a place of sheer terror, a place I believed I was not coming back from...a place I said my goodbyes and sent love through space and time to my special loved ones....I know they felt it as one in particular raised concerns as to my absence, raised fears that something was not right. It was to this area I returned yesterday as my route took me straight past....I turned in and was shocked by how changed it was....as changed as I am....that spot there, and that one over there, and that one...and that one....all changed, grown up...the greenery slowly taking over the hard ground, growing up around a nearby gate hiding the large rocks I landed on....

Ah dear hearts....I believed I felt nothing...and was surprised to feel not one fear, only thankfulness to a God who never left me...who showed up with His angels that day...

Dear friends....trauma is a funny damn thing...you may look at a loved one, or yourself in the mirror and see no reaction...see no emotions crowding the heart and mind....

After two years I am still impacted by the event...and there are more to revisit....and they must be returned to in order to lay them where they belong....in the ground with a headstone planted to commemorate triumph, to commemorate peace, to commemorate victory.

Have patience with yourself my friends...it may take more than one return to the grave to bring about peace...have love and compassion for the damaged places in your heart, like disturbed soil it takes time for replanting and regrowth...have mercy and grace for the wounded spirit within, it will require an abundance of loving kindness to mend the torn places.

Go with God today in confidence, go with joy unceasing...know your worth dear hearts...

Go with God today and everyday safe in the knowledge that you are loved, so very loved and needed. Walk tall, stand proud and hold your head high...you are a child of God and a warrior tested in the fires of hell and torment. Oh it sounds dramatic does it not? And yet...it is truth, so I suppose truth will always seem somewhat climactic to the innocent...to the untrained, undamaged mind.

Know this my friends....you are able to do all things through Christ who strengthens you....and so my prayer today for you would be strength...strength of purpose, strength of mind and heart...and the courage of the most battle hardened soldier ready and willing to walk into situations that would have most of us cowering in the corner....you have that dear hearts, it is within you every day that you awaken and give thanks...every day that you step foot out the door, against all odds living your life amongst the filth and the fear.

God bless you today and every day with a bountiful and endless joy...may laughter and love sustain you in your lowest moments, lifting you above the pain and sorrow. God be with you, may He make His face to shine upon you lighting your day.