Fear...
- maureena46
- Jan 24, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Jan 27, 2023
Turn it around...move it, sift it, lift it...examine and set aside...
Fear is a feeling, a survival mechanism bred deep within our genetics. A warning of danger whether real or imagined, fact or fantasy, nightmare or reality...
It smothers, it sickens, it weakens.... I do not care who you are...everyone has a fear that debilitates them personally. Unless you are a stone cold psychopath, you have something that tickles at your throat, that punches you in the gut with dread.
The courageous get up and face that fear, everyday...growing stronger while appearing weak. I was told...'you're not tough...' truly? Oh...I worked hard to discount that statement, I fell for the double dog dares. I mean...I did grow up with 3 brothers...dares were as common as breathing.
For a time I fought to prove I was tough. Until I didn't...until I recalled the things I had forgotten, the virtues I spoke of with my children. When you know who you are, you need not brag or display your talent for everyone to see....you will move with quiet confidence and your actions will speak for you.
The first test for me moved along with my fear of heights, while on a job in Radium Canfor a couple of summers ago. Where the crew went, in regard to Confined Space, I followed. The second morning of work I was told the crew was gearing up, heading to the top of a stack...over 90 feet up and in from the edge of the building. Three times up and down in a man-lift, stepping on and off that man-lift onto and off of that building cured me quickly of my fear.
My thought as I worked on securing my safety harness was this; I survived how many beatings while with that man, if I can do that, this is a cinch and I can do anything.
Two thoughts here....
How crazy to be gauging my ability to overcome my fear with being able to take a beating....
How mad to think that my inner toughness relied on an abusers opinion and continued physical assault.
Indoctrination...mind-f*ckery....Gaslighting...
I share this with you not for sympathy...no dear hearts, I share with you so you will see the inner fortitude created and forged in the fires of whatever hell you escaped from, or are still living in.
You were hand picked for your strengths, your light, your goodness...the sociopath/pyschopath needs it...and needs to overcome it, consume it and leave you seemingly broken to find a new supply.
We have broken parts...
We feel broken inside...
But...once again dear friends this is not who you truly are. You are not that broken child inside you anymore....You are not those ugly names they hurled at you, spoke over you, screamed in your ear...You are not useless and unable to survive on your own....
What you are dear hearts is lovely...a beautiful soul...bleeding and bruised and in need of time to find your way out of that dark and lonely place you crawled into, to survive.
What you are dear ones is worthy...desirable....beaten down into the dust, thrown into the pit...as surely as if they threw you into the well physically. In need of giving yourself the compassion and love you gave to the monster...put aside the shame, the embarrassment...you loved....you gave....
As surely as the sun rises in the East....you will rise from the ashes and find your way. no ones else's...yours.
Drink in the life-giving moments...the warmth of a hug, the 'I love you' from your child, the sight of a sunset that takes your breath, the kind affirming words from a long time friend, the love of a pet... all life giving...inspiring us to continue to take each day as it comes.
Inspiring us to not give in to despair, to sorrow and most importantly...not giving in to fear.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10.
The Abuser.... yes, the abuser himself should be feeling the fear; of being held accountable for his actions...of having to deal with the consequences of meting out monstrous actions. This dear hearts is a journey fraught with perils and calls for courage. To re-visit the actions done upon your person and re-live the nightmare is not for the faint of heart and I confess here, to you, that the moments of fear tip the scales more than courage. The monster lives bigger than life in my head and heart and there are days I tremble at the thought of taking this fight on...however the determination within grows daily as I hear other stories, see the effect of abuse on others, not just myself...the anger grows at the unjust going free, at a broken system that I must walk through in order to see justice done...righteous anger and so I stand and think to myself...I must stand...I must fight...
No More... no more dear hearts... let us stand together as a community of women and men that will push back against the violence perpetrated upon others. Domestic abuse...whether physical or mental, emotional or verbal...
Be patient with those who do not know, have not had abuse in their circle of family or friends, or worse those who have had trauma personally but still...still uninformed or better said..trauma informed. Patience as you find Teaching moments for those you come in contact with...Police, counsellors, advisors, support workers...these moments happen more than you realize and it is a constant source of education and relationship building.
Stay strong my friends and remember this...'everything you want is on the other side of Fear.' Jack Canfield
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