Lies....

Where does it begin? Where does the lie start, where does it end? It has been a time of introspection...of trips and falls, of joys and sorrows, of picking myself up out of the dirt, of sifting through memories and moments....and what I continually come back to are the lies. ?The lie of who he truly was and was not....Lies I was accused of, confused by....until the day I began to realize that I was indeed the one being lied to and my confusion was a handy tool used to deflect from the actions of the man I loved.

The story/ies I tell here are meant as a warning my friends....I must reiterate the need to know that these tales are helping someone, somewhere, realize they are worth more than the abuse they are living for everyday. Yes, living for. They live to prove their monster wrong...to prove their love, to prove their worth...my God....the devastation of that statement is overwhelming. Take a moment dear dear victims/survivors....take a moment and breathe through it...and know this....

You are worthy as you are...

You are loved as you are...

You no longer have to prove anything to anyone.... you are accepted as you are, loved and cherished...no matter your beliefs, you were beautifully created to be.....you.

Not someones idea of who you should be...must be...need to be....for them and their purposes.

I've heard it said so very many times...be yourself and the right one will love you where you are... broken, healed or somewhere in between.

The abuser picked you out amongst his phalanx of women, his haram so to speak. From the many dating websites and meets, he picked you because of your light, your goodness, your strength, your solid footing and solid foundation of beliefs and principles.

He preyed on and preys on even now, the tender hearted....they must break you (insert Ivan Drago's voice here, Rocky IV) for many reasons...however, I truly believe that the foremost reason is the need to FEEL something, to bask their cold cold heart in your glow....akin to warming your chilly fingers and toes at the campfire after a chilly northern swim.

And like that campfire, as the fuel is used up, despite your frantic attempts to add more and more and more wood to the fire, eventually that glow begins to dim...the fire shrinks as do you...huddling over the small bit of warmth you have left, until there is nothing left to give and you find yourself sitting, tears running silently down your face arms out in supplication and love....you are starving, thirsty...gaunt and wasting away mentally, emotionally and at times physically....

And here is the twist, the horror of it all.....you look to your abuser, to the one who professes his love to help.... to throw wood onto the fire...and they laugh in your face.

The lies in my particular story began within the first few weeks of dating....

Talking with his x-gf and begging her to come back...telling her he loved her and wanted her back...

Talking with women on Facebook and other social media platforms....

Remaining on Dating sites....

Oh god....the female bootprints in the snow coming from the trailer next door on his property, to the log house....I still cringe as I believed his lies that it must be an x-gf stalking him...this within the first few months...

The bathroom breaks with his phone.....I do not have to explain that one do I?

The pics and women on his phone, on his social media platforms...just there somehow...

The long blond hair on his passenger seat....just giving a ride to a co-worker out on the block...

The neglect, the absolute neglect physically....due to his addiction....that he swore he never did...

I could go on all day but I will not bore you with my sordid story....

Just...know this dear hearts....trust your gut. You are not wrong in what you are picking up on...

You may do what I did and confront, communicate quietly but firmly your concerns....the best that may happen is they will know and hide it better, but the worst? A storm of verbal, physical, mental and emotional abuse....used to deflect....used to distract....used to place blame on you...

So go easy...be wise...and do what I was told once....RUN....

Run my fellow survivors...run and never look back...that way lies destruction...yours.

Every time I went back...I see now...every time I went back the abuse increased, his need to control, his need to smother and debilitate became stronger, the need to subjugate a living breathing thing. A thing of power in its own right...a tornado of unending magnitude, sweeping everything in its path up...up...up until nothing is left but a veritable wasteland.

The pain of leaving, the pain of healing....the cost is high, I would speak truth to you and have you warned. The mind-f*ckery is absolute. The longer you have been with your monster, the worse it becomes. It is hell....but oh, dear friends....no matter how high the cost, you will have compassion again...kindnesses...love....joys....goodness...

you will have you again....

you will live without the constant fear....yes there is fear of another kind, but it is not fear of losing your sanity, your life, your health...it is a fear of the future, of this alien world you no longer recognize....

But....but you will...

The short chat with a teller and standing in awe as she laughs at something you said...

The smile from a stranger....a hello...and the wonder of someone finding you attractive, still.

Thinking that somehow all this pain and fractured heart must show....that this again was an indication of the lies spoken over you...

you are pretty, not ugly....

God is good people, He truly is...I have had, without looking for it, consistent attention whenever I go out in public or within a group playing poker....

I truly hope you hear my heart....there is no seeking it out....oh no, I rabbit when confronted with attention....

My point here is this....the lies of the enemy are just that....LIES..... the proof is in the pudding so they say...(where do these sayings come from?)...

You are worthy...

You are lovely...

You are beautiful....

In every way....you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Take that in...soak it in...bathe in the goodness of the one who made you....

We are not perfect...but we are not monsters....we are not ugly, unwanted, unneeded, useless or any of the horrifying things the average person would never say to another human being....words said over you again and again and again....shown to you by their actions, over and over and over again...

Believe in you my friends....before you believe in anyone else, believe in you.

Speak softly....walk tall....walk proud....you are worthy of a little self- love don't you think?

God go with you, may He guide your feet and set His face to watch over you and keep you safe.