Life...

The lengthening of days comes with joy; a spring in the step, a looking forward to new adventures and possibilities, a return of hope for better. Even the coffee tastes grander in the face of the lifting of darkness...despite time spent waiting in court yesterday to keep up on the schedule and happenings of that part of my life, I realized that everything does indeed happen in its time and for a reason. I witnessed the defence lawyer being caught in a lie, and a courtroom full of people as well. The residing Judge made it clear that the constant adjourning was not going to happen any longer and stated that this had been in the works for far too long and at the next court date the arraignment would be decided on.

The beauty here was the draining away of any fear I had of the lawyer acting on behalf of my abuser. Built up block by block by my abuser until he was larger than life, a monster hiding under the bed waiting to devour me with his sharklike teeth. Yesterday I saw him for who he really is...another predator. While I'm sure he is intelligent and knows his way around the court room, he is not very smart and not the monstrous character he was made to be. Within two sentences he had exposed his own perjury and was not bright enough to catch the reveal; instead he went on to poke fun at the evidence he still had yet to look at.

I wonder....if he'll turn tail and run when he sees the evidence..

I wonder....if it will change their plea for the arraignment in April....

I wonder....will the abuser lose any sleep when he sees exactly what was captured on film...

I wonder...and I hope... for the loss of sleep, for anxiety, for fear, for dread...for all the emotions he caused me to feel during and after. Perhaps it is small of me to wish it so...I am human after all and I believe that these things would fall under 'justice.'

He, the abuser; is a small town, small minded, small man. I thought him bigger than life...full of emotion and energy and despite his physical stature, a large heart that carried a persona of greatness. I believe the potential is/was there to be so, but by his own evil, sabotaging behaviour he misses the mark by a galaxy or two...or three.

This dear friends is the genius behind the evil.

They create a false self that invokes respect...they create a man that you believe will keep you safe...will protect you from the worst that life has to offer...

They create a world in which you believe you are finally free to be you...that you are loved for who you are, inside and out.

Oh god...what a beautiful lie. What a beautiful belief of peace, of contentment...until...

....with a crass word, with a slipped admission, with a bringing in of former lovers (triangulation), with questioning of your outfit for the day, your hair...'you're going out like that?' ... the house of cards begins to crumble...and you question why, and invariably you question yourself. You self-reflect on the things you could change, could compromise on...

This is how it starts....and if you are here reading this and it is as familiar as the nose on your face, then you are in the beginnings of abuse. I know, I know dear dear friend...it sounds ludicrous...silly...and you look for reasons for the behaviour.

As soon as this happens...the explaining away of damaging behaviour? The victim has unknowingly fallen in line with the plan...with the execution...and more is to come.

I urge you to take a step back and truly look at the ongoing pinkish flags popping up all over the landscape...they're not quite red yet and so you think...'nah, its all good. He was just having a bad day.' Believe me, I've heard it all, and more importantly said it all...every excuse, every moment of forgiveness building up until there is no more room at the inn...no more room for the lies... you're full up and it begins to spill over until...oh god, until the hammer begins to fully come down on your head, your heart, your spirit and your physical body.

Perhaps the monster in your life does not step into the filthy, cowardly pit of physically beating you, raping you...it is still abuse and many times much more damaging for leaving no visible bruises but what is inside.

I tell you in all truth to save you the pain, the torment, the sorrow of feeling so low that there must be something wrong with you....I tell you dear hearts that the landscape of your mind will never be the same. To add insult to injury, you no longer trust yourself to know what is right...what is up, what is down...your steps become tentative, your words halted and forced...

And within the turmoil, within the questioning of your own heart and mind, the monster stands in judgement, blaming you for all the wrong in the relationship...for every problem, every issue...imagined or real...the fault lies squarely with you. And so the process continues in an every widening circle of guilt, shame and blame.

I pray for you to see, to truly see the terrible truth....before you endure one moment more.

They are not worth it....they are not worthy...and they are not saveable....

This by far is the hardest pill to swallow. No matter how much you love them, forgive them and make room for their studied mistakes...their purposeful behaviour...they will only continue to abuse, because you are there. Simple as that. Until you no longer believe the shit they are shovelling and watch the anger ramp up to legendary levels...all the while, grooming your replacement.

I am so sorry...so sorry you are making your way through the darkest of terrains, the most frightening of environments and still struggling to smile, to love, to laugh and enfold.

No, it isn't fair....it is not fair or right to be treated like a piece of dirt and reduced to an animal begging for crumbs from the masters table.

No more queens, no more warriors...NO MORE.

You are worthy of love, of the most basic of human emotions and not having to explain to the person you love that what they are doing is wrong. They know...they know....they just get off on watching you squirm, watching you get up and try again...and again...and again.

I pray that God guards your heart and mind and spirit from the barbs of the abuser. I pray that He provides you with the clarity you need to move, to go, to get out....safely.

'Be wise as serpents and as harmless as doves,' Matthew 10:16

Speak softly...carry a big stick....walk tall, walk proud....You are capable of so much, you have endured levels of hell and you believe you cannot, that you are not able? All part of the lie dear hearts. Carry on...

'Weary traveler Beat down from the storms that you have weathered Feels like this road just might go on forever Carry on

You keep on givin' But every day this world just keeps on takin' Your tired heart is on the edge of breaking Carry on

Weary traveler, restless soul You were never meant to walk this road alone It'll all be worth it so just hold on Weary traveler, you won't be weary long

And no more searchin' Heaven's healing's gonna find where all the hurt is When Jesus calls, we'll lay down all our heavy burdens Carry on, oh

Weary traveler, restless soul You were never meant to walk this road alone It'll all be worth it so just hold on Weary traveler, you won't be weary long No, you won't be weary long You won't be weary long (weary long)

Someday soon we're gonna make it home.'Jordan St. Cyr

God Keep You...