Loss...

I wish to lay down...my spirit sits in exhaustion..

My soul lays in the dirt, crushed and struggling to breathe...

My heart sifts and sorts through emotion threatening to overwhelm, to drown...

It searches for meaning in little things....

It searches for love, for need of my presence here...

I return continually to one child...who loves without measure...who accepts without judgement...and I stay, for him.

I love the three who love me no more....who have found me wanting and falling short of motherhood, of womanhood, of humanity and presence...

Politely and distantly inviting to few special events throughout the year...

Polite and distant...

I love them still...though the heart breaks...

I seek answers....I seek justice...and find none....

I seek those with a need, a drive to enforce justice and find none...

Instead, I find apathy...I find disinterest...I find corruption...

Instead, I find a need for silencing voices raised in pain and sorrow...voices raised in supplication and help...

I am undone by shame, by blame, by control and manipulation of the system by those within the justice system and small company of mental health caregivers in this small town...

Undone by those voices that assert control, who assure survivors and victims of help but turn away in the moment when assistance is needed most.

Lies...deception...within the system...turning away women and children...dismissing the needs of innocents over ease of work, ease of life...

Like the phoenix, we will rise again...and again... until we can rise no longer.