Rest...

Sipping hot coffee in the morning has become a must...the stronger the better and liberally laced with flavoured creamer and a dash of sugar....the heat of the mug, the steam rising from the top, the swirling patterns as I stir....patterns of comfort, of foundational functions that create an atmosphere of joy, of serenity, of rest.

When it is said 'it's the little things....' such truth in so few words....it's the little details, whether in our relationships or our own habits that require paying attention to the little things for the littles grow to bigs...they grow to insurmountable, immovable mountains.

While I waited for, prayed for, hoped for, begged for change, I realize now that I was building a wall within that would protect, that would cover me, shelter me from the storms that raged.

While I loved, forgave and loved some more inwardly I was retreating, preparing for what I knew would come. An occasion that would sufficiently frighten me, would sufficiently alert me to the need for change, for removing myself from circumstances beyond my control.

The Storm would brew...and build...little by little, and I would retreat bit by bit....observing the behaviour, recognizing the signs I had seen hundreds, thousands of times before...the secrecy, the hidden moments thought beyond my intelligence to perceive...

Dear hearts...you see the tumult, the chaos, the dark clouds forming, taking shape...building toward a meltdown of epic proportions...and while you inwardly take cover, outwardly you love more...laugh more...work harder...do better, in the hopes of staving off the forecasted tornado touchdown. Sometimes it works...most...not.

Dear friends...treasures....I would pray for your eyes to see what stands in front of you...the knowledge, discernment and courage to observe with your heart, your mind, your logic and know exactly where you should be when that touchdown occurs...no, before it occurs.

You are worthy of so much more than the degradation of begging to be loved...to be treated with kindness, compassion and basic f*cking treatment of another human being....from the one who alleges, avows, asserts their love for you. Ah, the ultimate in irony....

You deserve to be treasured....

You do not in any way need to prove your worth....you are beautiful as you are...as broken as you are...as damaged as you feel...

The sorrow, the shame you carry is not indicative of a loving relationship....

The feelings of not being enough that have settled about your shoulders...lies whispered in the dark, hammered home in the daylight....

My friends....be wise, be frugal with your attentions, with your emotions, with your love....

If you give it out and it is thrown back, hurled to the ground and crushed beneath their feet....it is not worthy of you.

They are not worthy of you....yes, you...Warrior, Queen, child of God....worthy of love from a man able and capable of loving, commitment and loyalty...capable of respect, of decency, of grace and mercy, of loving kindnesses...

They....oh my friends...they are not enough to handle what and who you are.

They are not able to function at an adult level, on a mature playing field...instead they maim, they torment, they belittle, they neglect and abandon, they push you down further and farther to level themselves up...to feel better about the person they allowed themselves to become...chose....chose to become.

It is not your place to save, to guide the darkness into the light...

You are the light and they threw you in the pit and piled on the abuse to dim that light...uncovering you occasionally to keep you giving out your shine, your love, your grace that covers, covered a multitude of sins, of deliberate actions meant to harm.

My heart breaks...it bleeds...it cries out in prayer for each one going through the storm, blinded by the detritus, debris and rubble blocking out the sun....

Find your truth dear friends....find it, hold it, let it seep in until you can see once more...

Be wise and walk out your truth...stand for that wounded woman living within....see the ground taken back as you stand for yourself bit by bit...

Go with God today...may His angels stand watch over you as you live in the midst of the storm...I pray that a way will be made, that God will light your way, lead you out of the land of Egypt...may your enemies be conquered, may your grief and sorrow lessen and joy come in the morning to greet you....no matter where you are my friends, God meets you there....

'You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.' Psalm 139

May you know the comfort and presence of a God who will never leave you nor forsake you...may you know how very loved you are, right where you are. Loved....always and forever.

Stand tall my friends and walk proud...speak your truth with grace, with dignity...