Seen...

Seen and heard....known to the core and loved...accepted in all my darkest places...cherished for all my idiosyncrasies...what magical quality sparks this love I know not. Perhaps one only the Creator can see. To be seen and truly known is such a gift...gives, hands out, provides such life...such warmth, like sunshine on the coldest day...permeating every chilly nook and cranny within, releasing chambers locked and sealed tight with fists of grief...

'Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.' – Walt Whitman.

“Oh taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.” Psalm 34:8

Each day the sun rises I turn my face to catch its heat...already I miss the higher summer temperatures...no matter the sweat running down my skin, oh this summer I needed the bone deep warmth it provided. It chases away the inner chill, pushes the darkest of demons hiding in the corners...out and away.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of once again going out on my own to the great outdoors...driving the sometimes lonely dirt roads crisscrossed throughout our forests. Fires have ramped up in this area and closing down sites was top priority. Up the Holy Cross (I mean who doesn't love saying that when mentioning a high trafficked Forest Service Road?), to beautiful Cheslatta Falls, Rum Cache (highly recommended) and on to the 500 rd for two sites then down the busy Kluskus 95 kms out...two bears, one helicopter re-fueling in a gravel pit...not something you see everyday...chatting with an exhausted faller and one firefighter walking down the road, fire raging in the not far enough distance, numerous deer on the move and dust coating everything in sight.

I took time at Hobson Lake for lunch and took pictures like a tourist....I stood at Knewstubb overlooking the Kenney dam and just breathed in a miraculously clear sky as the wind moved the smoke east....this dear hearts, this is what moves me closer to healing...this is what moves me each and every day. I cannot look at the beauty of my surroundings, lonely charred trees included, without feeling God's presence...I see the evidence of His hand in all things, my life too...I see how His hand has moved in every area I have walked, moved, fought, lived and breathed. Miracles....small and large....incremental and instantaneous...

I have felt the move deep inside...the opening up of places and spaces I had closed off to survive....that fist I talked of in an earlier post, slowly unfurling...

I look within and see vast openings...oh I struggle to put thought to paper, to properly express in words the inner workings of heart and mind...the healing work being done...a part of me wishes to rush in and close off that open space, to protect, to guard against evil..against hurt and grief. Ah dear hearts...this is part of life and while it makes perfect sense to me to guard and protect that inner woman/child to a certain degree, it is a gift of God to feel...to live...to love no matter the outcome.

This is what I have been praying for after all. Healing...growth...maturity...taking experiences not truly meant for me and molding them into something positive, something good...taking the sourest of lemons and turning them into lemonade with a kick...

I see that opening of my heart and spirit and rejoice...slowly, but I rejoice all the same.

God knows it takes time to walk away from such a battle Royale and heal the wounds inflicted... to learn to walk again, speak again, breathe again without the weight of the battle hanging bout our shoulders, dragging down the soul into the mud.

This is what God does that is so miraculous...He upholds our minds, our hearts, our bodies as we make our way back home to Him. He comforts as we grieve....He loves as we rail and scream and cry....He is an ever present help in times of trouble my friends. I truly do not know where I would be today if not for His love, His Hand guiding and providing...I know that I would not have made it through the battles waged on mind, spirit and body. No, too often those thoughts entered my mind. Dear friends...this is the ultimate goal of the monster, to drive you to the end of yourself and then stand in glee and watch as you fall over that cliff.

Be strong and of good courage dear treasures....do not give in to the whispers you hear that would tell you how much easier it would be to just end it all.

Ah this is a hard one to talk of, is it not? But truth shall set us free...the torture, the betrayals, the lies, the physical assaults....day in, day out...fighting and praying just to make it through another day...oh do not ask that question my friends...do not ask 'why' or run the risk of losing the person you love...it is a mind*ck of extreme proportions...brainwashing at its worst....to love someone who hurts you...to continue to forgive the one who is supposed to protect you, not hurt you...

Strength....courage...long-suffering....patient...kind....

All the things you possess and wish you had in return...

Dear hearts...it is time to stand for you...time to speak your truth...quietly with dignity and grace...for you. You are your own advocate...your own voice in the wilderness....

God has given you the tools to climb out of that pit...has given you the strength of mind and a heart of champion...He will make a way...

Go today and each day forward with love in your hearts, with purpose in your step, with grace in each word spoken. Walk tall, stand proud and speak your truth...