Ugly...

Is the soul that needs must destroy your love of self, your confidence in all you do, your Je Ne Sais Quoi, so to speak in order to feel mighty, to feel above, to hang on to their sense of entitlement.

Ugly is the blackest of hearts, the darkest of thoughts that swirl in the mind of the abuser...

It is an abrupt exit to far left field, to the nosebleed section of the largest of stadiums...to stand over another and act on those thoughts....

Oh we all have dark thoughts some days...thoughts of frustration and anger, of justice being meted out...the difference, the contrast, the distinction as vast as the grand canyon is this; we understand those thoughts are outside the norm, outside anything we could ever, would ever do...we set them aside to be blown on the winds of change, of growth, of experience and understanding that we are not the most important thing in the room...that it is momentary, fleeting as leaves being blown to and fro by the breeze...to be processed and released to the heavens...

The abuser sits huddled over these black thoughts; they keep him warm in that vast space of evil, of dark stretching out to every horizon.

The monster sits over and protects these thoughts, these ideas and when the fire gets low, adds fuel to revive, to sustain the angry furnace housing his heart, his mind, his spirit...trapped in a continuum of rage, ever revolving frenzy of tantrums and blow-ups...

It is the antithesis of good, of right, of light and goodness...

It is FEAR driving the bus, turning all wheels, revving the engine to full rpm's that threaten to drop, to stop the heart beating in their chest.

It is RAGE against the traumas perpetrated at a young age...never to find justice, never to find forgiveness, never to find closure....

And so the dark heart searches, seeks as adamantly as the crusaders during the 'Holy War' seeking retribution and salvation...never understanding that they seek in the wrong places, in the darkest recesses, in the bowels of evil...in perversion, in betrayals, in pushing down all others beneath to remain above...gazing down upon humanity as their plaything, their toy of the month.

Dear lost ones...I pray you hear my heart this morning....hear wisdom borne of experience, of travails I was not and could not be prepared for...thrown into the pit, smashed to pieces on the floor, pushed down, choked, hit, battered by words, by fists until i knew not where, what, how to move...up was down, east was west, north was south...think Inception....

I understand where you are...i see you...i know you intimately though we have never met...

There is hope...away...

There is life....out...

There is peace...freedom from fear...out and away....

Be kind to yourself, you are in a foreign land and in escaping will run straight to another land that should be familiar but feels foreign, alien, unknown....this is what keeps the lost hidden...this is what keeps the lost alone and trapped....

That land you run to will seem strange and alien...oh my friends, it may seem scary and peculiar in the beginning, but it will be free of fear, of chaos, of abuses too many to count....

It will seem so because of what you have endured, are enduring right this minute....this morning even before the eyes open, we scan...we listen...we reach for the energy prevalent this am to gauge our day...God, the horrific feeling of not knowing if this particular day we will need extra to get through, if we will live to see another day...

You can be free of this dear hearts...what you think is scary on the outside is life-giving freedom...that in itself can be daunting...after being boxed in for so long; freedom, choices, lack of constraint and restraint, frightening.

But oh the benefits, the reaping of joy, of peace, of love, of grace and mercy, of compassion and kindness....a miracle each and every day....

There is life awaiting your steps, your choice to live differently...to live, truly live away and far from the life draining vampire...you deserve more than crumbs from the table...you are a Queen and deserving of sitting at the table, gifted with a bounty fitting a woman of worth.

Stand tall dear treasures, walk proud and speak your truth, with grace, with dignity and courage.

YOU are worthy of all that is good, that is lovely....always....worthy.