What...

What is it I want and need...what is it I hope to accomplish...what justice will I be satisfied with...

These are just a few of the questions that beckon with skeletal fingers for each survivor...this way there be monsters and the answers are never simple.

The mind is a cavernous space with hidden rooms, hidey holes and open screens for your past viewing pleasure.

We expect men and in their place we are given cowards, handed bullies, gifted with inflated egos riding in small bodies....

We expect these good things my friends, as they are promised us, over and over again...and in some very small ways in the first weeks, delivered upon. In as small a measure as possible...just enough to keep you in place while they slowly, ever so craftily destroy your confidence, your boundaries...

What is expected? ....we expect humanity, kindness, love....but oh so much more than these things...we expect actions to follow words and instead are met with false promises, out 'n out lies and deception. Cunningly done until one day the lost one wakens to find nothing... where once there was a firm foundation of terra firma to stand upon, now all is sinking sand, crashing waves and flying fists.

Today as I come and go from the keyboard, deliberately, I think on these things...I reflect on my progress with peace, with joy, with love and happiness...I ponder on what I hold dear, on what is right and good in my eyes and surprisingly find pity amongst the most deliberate dissimilation of former acts, actions, reactions and flat out lunacy behind the brown-eyed monster for sanity sake.

I find pity for such a creature as this...not for his heinous ways, his lies and deceit...no I find pity for the broken child within who is forced to live in the mind of such utter atrocities and perverse pleasures. It is sheer chaos...straight up bedlam...Portuguese mind meets 'one flew over the cuckoo's nest,' and slides right in like a long lost friend.

In my pondering i reached the striking conclusion that he is his own worst enemy and always will be, for to admit to all he has done would be anathema to his false self, death to all he knows and has deluded himself to be true since a child. Always someone else's fault, responsibility, blame and ultimately the largest stumbling block to redemption, the overwhelming SHAME...

And so the monster remains, sabotaging every relationship that comes his way, familial or relational...anger, offence, ego-driven rages and displeasures driving away anyone who gets too close to the truth.

Is it enough justice for survivors of some pretty traumatic happenstances? It is different for each and every woman, child, and rare man...each seeking levels of justice unique to their moral standards and perceptions.

For most, the answer is no. It is not and never will be enough...it is not about seeking revenge as some would accuse...no my friends, it is all about justice for crimes committed and seeing that justice fulfilled to the nth degree. Does this happen often in these unbelievably lenient days...rarely...and so it is left to the escapee to start over, find who she is now, cause it sure ain't who she used to be...irrevocably changed, in every way. And if you find that even the least bit dramatic, you need to school yourselves...educate yourselves in how horrendous the stats are now, how horrific the ACTS are themselves WITHIN relationships...not attacked by an outside party, but by the one who holds you close at night and whispers promises of love and safety. I'll tell you, that is the mind f*ck to beat all...and you are a prisoner to the beat and drum of their music, in every way.

Now tell me these women aren't some of the bravest people you will ever meet...not to be judged as weak because 'they stayed,' or condemned when they went back for the sixth time to the very person causing their sorrow and shame. It is a field of battle that is indescribable, unspeakable and leaves scars on every inch, every millimetre of spirit, of heart, of soul, of mind; corrupting as a virus does a hard drive....

These thoughts...these needs and wants will consume if you let them....instead, I rifle through, catalogue and re-cataglogue, and move forward until the next moment of unpacking. I will not look for it, nor seek it...instead I view the beauty of the sky and the wonder of this life we are given and lean into healing, but more, into living, looking forward to the next adventure, my next kiss and secret smile between lovers, the next animal to come into my life and jump straight into my heart...that Lub-dubbing organ that keeps time with the seasons and gives us hope for a better future.

What I want are rooms filled with sounds of children, grandchildren, greats....dogs and cats...horses, donkey's, mules out in the barn, wandering the fields and coming up close to the house. Breakfast mornings filled with kitchen noises; the smell of coffee brewing and waffles baking, whipping cream in the mixer, peaches and all manner of fresh fruit being cut up and placed on a massive dining room table built by my hands....

These are the dreams, the needs for those close to my heart to be close to me physically. They are my source of life...they keep that silly organ beating regularly.

What I want...what we all want, isn't that so dear treasures? Love....for love saves and gifts us with joy and sadness, grace and fury, kindness and goodness...these are our forever's, our balcony people (thank you Moe for wise words), our people....

These are the things I will think on...let us think on what will propel us forward, will keep us breathing when it all feels so heavy and suffocating...perhaps Peter Pan is the perfect analogy..."Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings forever..."

Go now dear friends and find your happy, God has perfected you for a purpose such as this. You are worthy as you are and enough, always.