A Safe Place to Land...

'Ask her how her heart became so heavy and she could speak candidly of all the times her thoughts were darker than her hair, or how letting her down is no longer a let down just another preempted lesson learned on her "life didn't go as planned" train.

She could give you all of the words about how the wisdom came, or speak endlessly about how what she endured gradually stole all the twinkle from her eye and she could even possibly write you some sonnets and songs about real pain.

She could show you her scars, she could bleed ink on a page or she could show you her black wings all shabby, battered and frayed.

But if you ask her how her heart became so heavy, she will give you nothing more than a gentle smile

and softly say,

"Hearts like mine are heavy, simply because

they have never found a safe space to lay."'

Sarah's Collection of Scars

And so we come full circle....join me on the crazy train where emotions run deep under the surface awaiting their chance to pop up like apples in a barrel, splashing up with force before plopping back into the water and sinking slowly beneath once more.

This morning I question whether there is a safe place to land...a safe place to lay...ever. As much as it pains my heart to admit, I have no references to run to...no perfect example of a safe place.

I have one child who loves me unconditionally....with no judgement.

I have friends who love me...with wholeheartedness...

However, I have yet to meet a man I would trust with my heart; every dark place, every scar, every trigger (here there be monsters...remember?), every ugly portion of my innermost being....

I have only met those who hammer home the ideal that there is no safe place to lay my head....and I despair.

I know that good men exist...my sons are living proof of good men walking this earth, loving and cherishing their partners. And herein lies my issue...lies the heart of the issue for every victim/survivor navigating their way through the minefields of thought, word and deed.

This is where thought meets the ugly words of the abuser...meets the evil propaganda the monster whispers, shouts and contemptuously speaks in their ears, stains and slinks into their spirits.....

Two plus two must equal 5...right? I mean the puzzle pieces fit...the language is one they are familiar with...they must be the problem, they are the common denominator in each successively worse, abusive relationship. Ergo...the unlovable, useless, ugly blocks of lies fit into a neat yet messy bundle of truth.

Lies bundled up into believable truths...

Lies cleverly disguised as facts...

Dear friends...remember who you're dealing with...the master of all lies...built to protect him, built to protect the monsters fragile ego, his faulty false self buried under years of delusion and blame-mongering.

It is the victims fault he can not finish his house...

It is the victims fault he is behind on...everything...

It is the victims fault the chaos of his mind shows itself in the litter that encompasses his property, inside and out....

Nothing truly gets completed...projects completed by the victim are showcased as his accomplishments...

Miserable, miserly mysogynist....speaking wisely on the faults of the one he abuses...expounding in detail your shortcomings while ignoring his own glaringly obvious deficiencies...berating, belittling, beating....

The end result is a kingdom of lies built for the express purpose of devaluing your worth on this planet....

'why don't you go throw yourself in front of a big rig on the highway?'

'what good are you anyway, you're kids don't even like you...your brothers must have had good reason for rejecting you your whole life...'

Insidious lies....

The truth is....they speak over you every lie spoken to them as a child...

The truth is...they speak over you every dirty, dark fear they feel about themselves...

The truth is...they bring you down to propel themselves out of the pathetic pit they live in...

Take heart dear friends....YOU are the safe place to lay...you are home no matter where you go and who you meet...you.

The rest is bonus joy...bonus contentment...bonus happiness...

The foundation of goodness, of a safe place...is you. God has created within you an ability to bounce back, to lay the groundwork of a solid foundation... whatever your belief system, know this...you have been given a greatness of heart and hearth and home within you...

Walk out the despair...walk out the low moments...and breathe...

This too shall pass...

p.s. speak softly and remember to carry a big stick...