A Song...

...of love...of joy in the morning...songs of gratitude and thankfulness for the breath I take each day, for the strength I have to lift, work, move and shift...

A song of grace and mercy filling a heart so empty...

A song of compassion and loving kindness enveloping a spirit so broken...

A song meant to uplift, meant to bring joy and end suffering, blotting it out with brush strokes of love...

A weekend spent among those I love to the moon and stars and who give me the gift of acceptance and comfort where I stand today; I ruminate over conversations, laughter and tears. We spoke of death...we spoke of life...of those passed too soon...as I surveyed all who came within my circle and loved with all I had for the beauty of God's creation and the gift of life we have here for the time we are allotted.

Oh we question why...it is human to seek answers, even and most especially when there are no quick and easy answers to be found...it is our nature to seek, to explore, to know and understand.

And so we circle back round to lost ones, survivors and those fighting their way free right this moment...why? Even as we ask the question we feel the burn deep within our guts...that somehow we are the reason...we are the problem, the issue, the key to the lock that holds their rage and their insanity...with a mighty click and turn of the key the monster is unhoused, set free, horse is out of the barn and wreaking havoc....

This verse...as I read aloud this morning, the psalms somehow require this of me for its poetry and symmetry, I came across this beauty and dear treasures, it explains the man/woman you struggle mightily with to a 't.'

"Not a word from their mouth can be

trusted;

their heart is filled with destruction.

Their throat is an open grave;

with their tongue they speak deceit.

Declare them guilty, O God!

Let their intrigues be their downfall."

Psalm 5:9

Not a word can be trusted my friends...not a one...each word spoken has a plan, a backup plan and a fail safe plan...every thought is set on destruction...why? For their pleasure...it brings them joy to see you fail, to see you cry...

Oh the pain, the sorrow, the grief that threatens to overwhelm when you truly see the monster behind the mask...when the truth hits you square in the feels, in the deep recesses of heart, spirit and mind and blots out the sun for a time. The lost ages...lost time...as the woman seeks to survive the truth, to survive the ground opening up under her feet, as she clings to the edges of sanity with both hands and grips tightly with all she has...

The abuse is bad...oh yes...it is bad, but my friends, family, strangers...it is nothing, nada, por nada, fur nichts compared to the agony of truth hitting you with all the force of an avalanche...burying you, smothering in its intensity...

I wandered in a fog of such blight I thought never to return...

I sat and spoke as from a distance...I moved through each day as an automaton until each thought, each truth became friend no matter how it cut, it scored away the threads of lies and deceit holding me in place and though the weight of sorrow and grief enveloped me, I began to see pockets of light in the absolute darkness guiding me out...

The panic that ensued when the monster lurking in the shadows perceived my comprehension, observed my decline in subservience...the more I opened up heart, soul, spirit to truth, the quieter I became...truth began to shape on my lips and within my eyes, speaking volumes without need for words...

And so a three day battle began...and fuel was found where none existed...laundry, housecleaning, didn't make dinner...these were the sparks, and eventually the fire that fuelled his rage; gave a home for his fists and verbal diarrhea, a veritable barrage of insults, name-calling and gross misrepresentation. Three days of fight and little sleep and I lay in shock and readiness...the exodus was coming and God was going to provide a way of escape...

Dear hearts, I share this today with you to spark that truth...in hopes of unveiling the monster behind the mask and holding up a mirror to your loving intentions and lack of all the horrific things he has spoken over you..... you were never too much, never not enough...

No my dear lost ones...he is not able, capable, nor understanding of what a loving partnership is...only chaos within that speaks fear when in close proximity to vulnerability and intimacy...

The fault lies not within yourself but within the person you are so desperately trying to love into loving you...

Love does not require you to lay down all you are and could be...

Love does not require you to be subservient and isolated...

I just know I am preaching to the choir right this second...we know, do we not my friends? We have a little whisper echoing in our hearts; screaming out for help, for rescue, for surcease...

Red flags waving, jumping, screaming warnings left, right, centre...front and centre...looking at you with that sneer of disgust and derision...how he treats you is how he feels about you...

You deserve better...

You deserve a love that supports and encourages...that lifts and upholds...

You, my dear treasures, are fearfully and wonderfully made for just such as this...loving kindness and mercy...you are worthy of being treasured and cherished.

Walk it out my friends...talk it out, walk it out and see what life has to give on the other side of that pit of hell you currently reside in...