A Thankful Heart

A rough night... restless and awake, it seemed, more than I slept.

Most likely, as I write I dredge up memories and work through some of the flashbacks and triggers ,it sets the tone for some interrupted sleep patterns.

I dreamed of the man I ran from... at the beginning it was every night without fail, but as time wore on thankfully the dreams came less and less. I am so very thankful for the reprieve of seeing his face in my dreams.

Last night I had a few, however, one stood out more than others.

In my dream I had gone back to him once again and my inner child was in shock and asking what I thought I was doing? We were driving in his truck towards his home town and I was asking him what was happening? That this was not right... I had no trust in him, I had nothing left. The love was overlaid with distrust and fear...what did we think we were doing?

I woke often throughout the night and battled the feelings that bubbled to the surface.

Coffee is a must this morning as I sit and plan out my day and the tasks that need to be completed.

I feel unworthy to be delivering a message that speaks of love and forgiveness but most of all the message that you are worthy of the most special kind of love.

And yet.... the tears flow as I write to you in thankfulness and a humble spirit. We are loved, I am here to attest to God's love. I have seen it... felt it so deep inside that I will never doubt it. I doubt my worthiness but I do not doubt that it is real, as real as you and me.

And as real as.....

...The snow covered trees that lay silent under the -15 degree weather here in northern BC. ...The crow that followed me home while on a walk...

...The cat that wound between my legs as I took a moment to stroke his soft chilly fur....

...The smile of a kind stranger...

...The absolute kindness of two women who have become my friends...

...The love of family who take me as I am and see nothing but goodness...

...The 'hello there' flirt of two men who looked at me as though I was the prettiest thing they've seen in awhile...

Oh the smile that brought.... It's been so long since I've felt remotely appreciated as a woman. This feeling is more than ok, it is good!

Oh, I will run in the opposite direction for the moment, unlike the man who hurt and betrayed me, but it is a step in the right direction. A step towards freedom and waking from the deep sleep of abuse and mind control. A huge step.

Everyday that I wake without anxiety, without that feeling of dread and fear is a momentous occasion. The relief is overwhelming and so is something they do not talk about.

The feeling of a missing component, the feeling of emptiness and lack of direction.

That feeling of loss and being adrift, is lost in the shuffle of getting out, getting away and beginning the journey of life and loving yourself once again.

I must warn those of you who haven't gotten away yet, and those of you who are freshly out and battle with fear and anxiety about your future.

Strangely disoriented without the person who controlled every action and directed every move you made, all the while telling you that you're useless and dumb and lazy and on and on.

Gone... all of it gone....

What we're left with is empty space. We've stepped off the cliff and we are met with nothing but the fall.

I have found this to be the hardest part of being free... being free.

Doesn't that just freaking bite and make no rational sense whatsoever? And yet it does... make sense that is. We go from having no choices to having too many.... completely disorienting.

Despite having lived on my own for many years and raising 4 children mostly alone and done well... this is different.

Being free from the puppet master I stand with hands out, looking all around me at the strings laying in a disordered and muddled mess at my feet. So many strings.... I pick up one only to toss it down in fear and bend for the next hoping that this one will be a line that I can actually handle.

The disparate poles apart truth of being free and not knowing how to deal with life is this.... we did everything for them. We are more than capable and able, but nevertheless our brains and hearts tell us different after years of indoctrination.

Oh how do I explain the mess we are left with, the bloody battleground we are left standing in wondering how we got there. How do we explain and educate those who say, in ignorance;

'why didn't. you just leave?'

'Why did you put up with that, I sure wouldn't have!?'

'Why did you go back?'

....and on it goes. If those particular people care enough to wait for the answer I smile and explain what I can.

In spite of the ignorance of these questions how do I feel frustration or hurt, as I struggle to understand what the hell I was thinking or doing, myself?

I struggle with the answer to these and so many other questions.

Oh I understand the logistics, the pathology behind the choices, or lack of them, that led me to stay when I should have run... that led to me going back when I should have run...

The love I thought he needed, the love I believed I would finally get in return, the promises I believed when I should have seen right through the web of deceit he was laying out for me and not only for me. All fed into my psyche by a master manipulator, an evil genius.

I finally ran for my life, for my sanity and for my children and grandchildren.

I was dangerously close to ending it all... my mind and heart were so overloaded with pain and the disease of misuses and abuses that I would actively think of the 'how' I would go about it. I was so tired.

And then God would bring to mind the one child who believes I am the perfect mama... and I would cry... and say 'I'm so sorry kiddo, so sorry.'

And the fight inside would continue, the fight to survive and grow.

I would take the time given with this man and learn from it. And I did... harsh lessons in what not to settle for, what not to allow into my life ever again.

The lack of love was staggering and yet... I stayed.

My dear dear hearts.... it will never change. Not with you there...

It is not your responsibility to fix the broken child inside the man(woman).

That responsibility lies squarely within the abuser and his Maker.

God knows that He is the only one that can reach the traumatized broken child lashing out at all that is good and loving.

Only God can reach the man surrounded with the detritus lying about him... the broken hearts and souls he has discarded and thrown to the ground.

Not us, not you or me.... only him/her and God.

I believe in miracles, yes. I also believe that we are in the way as we try to do Gods work.

Chances are high that if change happens, it will happen only when we walk away.

If you are in the situation and have been for some time and have seen and felt and heard the abuse, it is time to live for you. It feels like abandonment... and as we have been abandoned and traumatized we do not want anyone, especially the one we love, to feel that way. It breaks the heart...ours.

Not theirs...

I ask for your trust in this as I have seen it time and time again. They already had a fresh supply waiting in the wings.... This was the most humbling of realizations, that I was so easily replaced. Their hearts do not break when we leave, it is what they truly want (not need but must have to fill the black hole inside them). Or, if they want us to stay, it is for their comfort and that alone. Not for true intimacy or true love.

I am so sorry my friends, I am so sorry that you are going through heartbreak right now.

I can only tell you that with time and heaps of compassion, the pain lessens.

Love returns in full measure from those around you as you allow individuals to take up space in your life.

I am not completely there yet, I have allowed very few to take up space in my cluttered and broken heart and mind.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time. I'm at the 'one hour' at a time right now :).

Any more and I panic a little. That too shall pass... one day I hope I will wake up and feel nothing but anticipation in the day ahead, nothing but excitement for where life is now taking me. One day.