A Whole New World

Does anyone else hear the song from Pocahontas when you read that title? :).

I do ha.

Good morning Dear Hearts, I hope this post finds you well and safe. One of my little mantras or ditties... I borrowed unknowingly from a Dean Koontz novel called 'Intensity.'

So... the mantra..... 'Dear God, Its me.... Maureen. Still Alive.'

I'd do a mental check, physical check and then move on with what it was I was doing. There were times that I would actually look at myself in wonder and think... no bruises, nothing to show for the Mental, Verbal and emotional beat down that just took place? Wow.

Mental check....not so good. However, let's just say that my brain became a house with many rooms out of sheer necessity.

Secret rooms he could not gain access to no matter how monstrous he became, no matter what names he shamed me with or belittled me with.

I became adept at storing the sh*t away where it couldn't harm me again and oh god.... so adept at living in two worlds in order to not be told that I was a space cadet. Why you ask?

You will know of course the answer to this question but let us speak of the brain fog that envelopes and ensnares until you do not know whether up is up or down is down.

I took great pains to master my thinking until it was like a mirror being thrown up in front of him and HE was the one forgetting or misplacing or making mistakes.

Did I ridicule him? No.. I was as gentle as I would be with a patient diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimers.

Most of the time. At others the sarcastic warrior inside me would kindly suggest he get angry at himself for forgetting or making a mistake. He knew what I was saying.... He knew.

You see dear hearts? They DO KNOW when they are cruel and heartless. They are strongly aware of the crushing weight of hurt they inflict as well as the moments they are kind and loving to ensure you know your place and stay. They silence you with abuse and then riddle your brain with kindness in order to keep you their puppet.

This is a tough post today. My intent was to talk of the incredible world we have waiting for us on the other side of Abuse, on the other side of our own personal hell.

I will admit to you that one of the things I miss most (and yes most especially in the relationship as it was withheld and used as a means of control) is kissing. I L.O.V.E kissing. and I'd get pecks on the lips and told I should be happy with that.

So.... What is waiting for me in this beautiful new scary world? Kissing.... :). One day.

Dear hearts hang on, please do not give up or give in. MORE awaits you. So much more.

My heart breaks for every one of you struggling to escape, struggling to stand once you are free and believe in yourself and what you are capable of. you my dear ones are capable of anything you put your mind to. Believe it!

Stay strong and survive to see another day.

Survive to live how you want to live.

Survive to live FREE.