All he took From Me

We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing... Wherever we go, whatever you believe in, we do not stroll through the gates with a u-haul behind us carrying all our important worldly possessions.

Why then do certain sentimental things, or the things you worked so hard for to begin the business you dreamed of... why do they mean so much?

They are replaceable.

He's replaceable... in a better, kinder, more compassionate lover (one who cares about your pleasure and does not use it as tool to control and betray).

Some days I forget about mercy and forgiveness and I pray that anyone who comes into contact with him will be smarter than I, that they'll read the signs and jump ship quicker than a rat running off said sinking ship for his life.

Some days I forget about love and grace and I pray that he will meet his match, or better yet someone worse than he, if that is possible.

It is hard to work through forgiveness, for work it is, when you see the evil he enjoys spreading. The hurt he tries so hard to create in my heart... still.

Moving on to his sidepiece or his next supply of victim he cannot be alone for his thoughts and evil heart would well up and overcome and overwhelm.

Too fragile is his ego that he is unable to bear the thought that he is capable of doing wrong to anyone, when in fact he is the sole creator and sole cause of his misery

I am not the first and I will not be the last as he makes his way to a lonely old man still blaming everyone around him for his loneliness, for his pain.

This is his future and I worry about things?

I have a future before me that will be filled with only the compassionate and those that love me. The rest I cannot change, including the Jekyll and Hyde I left behind.

And so I find calm within.

And so I find peace within.

Oh I know that it will not always feel this way but the foundation is there and to it I will return again and again when I need to find my centre.

I thank God for every moment I am free of the trauma and abuses lived with everyday for far too long.

I thank God for the lessons, or rather the grace to make it through those lessons with a heart of gratitude.

Would I have preferred to skip this particularly rough, violent, and brutal class?

yeah... there is that. I am human and at times I truly wish I could go back and after the first sexual encounter turning out so incredibly selfish? I should have said thank you for the week or so of laughter and getting to know you but now I know exactly who you are at your core.

Selfish...

And there it would have ended on a self-confident note.

It would have ended on a 'I know what I deserve' and it isn't this disappointment.

I would have missed all the heartache, betrayals, lies, neglect, abuses of every kind, and the resulting trauma and ptsd.

Thank you come again.....and again.... and again for a healthy serving of 'I hate you and all you stand for.'

We are light and goodness... we are a shiny toy for the abuser, for the monster that lives within.

Attracted like a moth to the flame for these very qualities and yet as they conversely remind him of his own deep lack, he hates and despises.

So... be that woman that sees the signs and gets out...

RUN!!

You are worth so much more than all the shit you deep down know is on the way, is in the future with this particular loser.

yes... I used the word loser. So politically incorrect these days and understandably so, however, in this case the word is hugely applicable.

Only a loser would do the things that have been done to you and so many others before you.

Only a loser would sleep like a baby after telling you lie upon lie upon lie, all with a laugh and a smile and a hug and a 'I love you.'

Please.

The traumatized child trapped inside their psyche, stunted and stuck at whatever age the traumas occurred, did not choose to help others because they didn't want to see anyone hurt like them.

No... that child chose to protect itself at all costs and so began the journey of creating a false self or alter ego. Sociopaths are created by the environment they are raised in... and are automatically narcissistic for narcissists have no feelings for anyone else but themselves despite the affection they can show others.

It is a small stream that does not run deep.

From one moment to the next, from one breath to the next my monster would go from love to rage... Surface affection doesn't stand a chance in the face of imagined and created hurt.

All love is gone.

Despite my man begging me to come back... declaring his forever love... I soon became the punching bag once again. And in his own words just before I left... he didn't love me. He was wrong.

Yes, he sure was, he has no idea how wrong. Oblivious and clueless in the most important human way possible. Barren of all that is given to us at birth... a conscience and a capacity for love that is boundless.

Again, at some point this is beat, abused, traumatized out of them as they choose to take the path less traveled.

The path of a monster who cares only for what benefits him, what sustains him.

If that means lying, cheating, controlling, manipulating and abusing? No problem.

Nothing and I mean nothing will stand in the way of their happiness.

They just 'want to live life'.

Stay strong dear hearts and run for the hills... There is help and there is hope.. I promise.

Do not despair for there is a God who loves and sustains. Whatever you choose to believe in, there is hope.