Anger....

This morning as I bustled about cleaning and tidying up, moving items for better comfort and the ole Feng Shui, I allowed thoughts, that have been battling to be heard for the past few days, to surface.

I am angry....within the grieving process, anger plays a large part....

'The 5 stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.'

It has been 3 months since I escaped the confines of my perilous prison and left behind the man I struggled so mightily to love, to no avail. It was batted away with all the finesse of Babe Ruth, pointing at the far bleachers and aiming for the stars. In HIS world, love was a misnomer....

Love was a word used to lull....

Love was a word used to lie....

Love was not shown in action and in deed and I came to dread hearing l.o.v.e. spilling off his lips like every other lie spoken. With no remorse...with no true depth of feeling....no, it was just another word in the English language.

Now dear hearts...hearing will not do, only actions.

For those of you surviving the aftermath of the gut-wrenching war that was your life...pay close attention to the things he/she does for you...the everyday little things....the tone in which they speak, the body language they exhibit...the contempt that they are unable to hide completely...

The walls go up and so they should. This....this is something that is not spoken of, rather the opposite...to let down our walls, to let love in....God bless every one of those speakers, counsellors, learned peoples...

They have not known the tragedy of abuse...

They have not tasted the wrinkles in time missing from your mind....

They have not tested the waters closing over their heads....

They have not known the deep down agony of loathing you feel....not for the abuser, oh no...but for yourselves...

The koolaid is sweet going down....the poison infiltrates every pore, every molecule, every cell within you until the world is no longer full of promise....

The world is only full of danger...of survival...

The whole world has no safe place for the victim living with war waging on a daily basis.

Oh yes...it does happen every day. It may be small but the monster finds a way, do they not dear friends? A way to call you down, to speak in dulcet disarming ways whilst whittling away at your psyche...every damn day.

I am done.... done with staying silent...done with not allowing the strongest of emotions to rise and take their place alongside the sorrow, the sadness....Anger HAS its place....

Do you understand that the survivor must needs come to allow anger to play a part?

We have avoided anger for so long....we have turned it away, pushed it down until it has become a living breathing entity, a waiting time bomb...Mount Vesuvius patiently awaiting its time to erupt and spew hot ash, fire and rock, covering miles upon miles of ground.....leaving behind destruction yes, but oh my friends....it brings new life....tiny green shoots of life growing with all the nutrients deposited, left behind within the ash and dirt and rock...within the mess, within the chaos.

This morning I allow it to continue its ascension to the surface and cry out in frustration, in anger at the petty, spiteful actions of the abuser. At the thievery....at the hateful words...at the one person who has managed to destroy so many lives and....takes pleasure in doing so.

At the police for allowing someone so base, so evil at the core to continue living in freedoms they do not deserve.....

Justice will be served...cold or hot...it will be served and the anger within me spurs me to work harder, be better...spurs me to DO.

Anger has its place....my plea to you all today, victim or friend or family member....allow the anger to find its place...give the anger of the victim/survivor a safe place to land...

Like any hot emotion, it will burn....with a safe place to land it will burn clean and bright and light up the dark places the victim has been forced to live in to survive.

One of the best feelings for me was hearing anger in the voice of a beloved Aunt....do you know the freedom and validation and absolutely peaceful moment it brings to the survivor of abuse? Level heads prevail and have their very vital place in helping those who have come through the fire...however....

'Righteous indignation, also called righteous anger, in some Christian doctrines, is considered the only form of anger which is not sinful...' Matthew 21.

Validation is a key element in healing, in closure....no closure comes from the malignant monster we have left, they live happily within the delusion they have created for themselves.

A loved ones anger regarding the evil perpetrated upon your person....frees you, gives your emotions wings to fly....as it flies, it takes it roots with it and frees the woman/man from becoming something harmful instead of helpful.

I live in a world of gratitude for family, for friends and for strangers who have become friends...the peace and love I derive from them is a gift that has been missing from life for so long, it is soaked up like a sponge...like the desert after a rain storm...

Let your emotions come friends...let them rise to the surface and be free of all that ties you to the ogre....to that space of time you learned so much from in the worst way possible.

Love awaits you...peace awaits you...joy unceasing awaits you....yes you...doubt your worthiness no more. You are loved....you are precious...you are worthy....