Angry...

***Trigger alert***

As I sip my coffee this morning, I sit and contemplate the bit I sat and wrote out last evening...does it need to be said...does it bear posting? My conclusion is this...the commitment I made before beginning this journey was to write hard and clear about what hurts, what destroys, what brings tears...to help someone, to shine a light on the world of abuse and the trauma involved...the consequent replaying, re-living required to heal and release...the injustice felt knowing that you are the only one in that relationship feeling the pain, the grief, the sorrow, the anger. And so I include the emotional writing from last evening. Read at your own risk.

I just want someone to be angry for me....angry that someone laid their hands of rage on someone they love...angry that someone so harsh, so cruel, so base walks free while the women they professed to love and then bankrupted emotionally, mentally, physically and financially suffers in silence while trying to live and heal...to move through a world gone grey...

I want someone to love me that much...like Auntie D..(thank you my tiny, ferocious aunt)...so angry over the thought of abuse....no explaining, no details, just plain belief in my story...

...and it was tonic to my spirit, a balm to my soul to know someone cared enough to feel anger at the injustice, at the torment inflicted on a loved one. (including a few forever friends that have my back as well, I thank you!)

Angry on behalf of the women who walk each day struggling to breathe through flashback after flashback after flashback...consistently, daily, minute by minute torture comes to mind and we breathe through it, forgive if we can and release it...over and over, again and again as moments arise to swamp, to drown....

The grief of the moment is the thought that I haven't changed, or the little I have is still not enough as I fell straight back into the pattern of abuse with a crew member; of appeasing to calm the beast, to keep the peace. Oh dear God...I took it all summer; took the derision, the disrespect, the hateful comments, the hurtful words, the belittling, the judging, the poking, the prodding, the sullen silences, the outburst of manic energies...so much...so much. I reached out for help and was denied by supers who were blind to the issues...blinded by an innocent act, excuses for youth given...

God, you know my heart...I am more angry with myself than with her.

Why didn't I push the issues with my immediate supervisor and boss...Why didn't I ask for help until I actually got it?

Why? so I didn't fail...so I performed to satisfaction...I pushed me under again....I thought I was speaking up by communicating with her, with appeasing her need for adventure, with listening to her music, to her problems...trying...trying...trying...again and again to be better, to be more when I was clearly failing and needed the support and help.

When I so clearly needed to stand for ME...

I'm so incredibly disappointed in myself...dear hearts, I hope you hear my heart in this post...it is not for pity, nor for sympathy....no, my friends, it is for instruction, for learning, for knowledge...for others to learn from my mistakes, my fails, falls, trips and stumbles.

Anger dear treasures is a healthy response to mistreatment...it is our heart, mind, soul and spirit warning us to protect, to watch over and pop up sign-posts declaring 'danger.'

We listen early on and deal with the issue or run the risk of the emotion rising until we are no longer able to express and convey what is bothering us in a constructive manner.

And doesn't that just sound like so much drivel...stand dear hearts...speak...walk...

I finally did yesterday and came to the realization that it was for good...that nothing and no one is worth feeling that way...I stood finally and will continue to stand and speak...with grace, with dignity, with dulcet tones until I am heard...

Oh life lessons, they never end...not until we finally learn, until we stand...

My heart today is filled with so much emotion....a funeral coming up so quickly, lending credence to the knowledge of death...snowballing grief until it threatens to overwhelm, to drown...my plan dear friends is to let the tears come, to let them fall...'grief is love with nowhere to go,' and so I go out today to collect firewood with my new, bigger and badder powersaw and amidst nature and all her glory I will talk to God in earnest and ask some big questions, discuss some pertinent subjects. And release...again, and again until there is no longer any power held over mind, heart, soul and spirit.

My prayer for you today and everyday forward is this...that you would stand...that you would find the strength and courage to ask for help...that you would fight for your worth, even in small increments until the steps get easier, smoother and more fluid...until standing becomes like breathing, just second nature.

May God bless you today with comfort, with peace that passes all understanding and may you know the love of a Father who never leaves us, nor forsakes us.