There and Back again...

The slightly overcast sky suits my mood as I decide on breakfast this morning in place of my usual cup of heaven. I have taken an exercise suggested by a counsellor which entails writing out all my thoughts, feelings and frustrations on paper to the person in question...it will be burnt once I believe I have said everything that is on my mind, in my heart. The past few days I have not had one iota to say...just a blank when thinking of the author of my angst. Taking this as a positive I let the sheets of paper awaiting the mighty pen lay where I last left them, discarded as easily as I had been...forgotten...rejected...uncaring to add one more word to the already poisonous penmanship displayed.

As healing progresses of course, this changes. I was taken off guard by glimmers of anger still resident within my psyche....peaking their ugly heads out of the shadows, sticking disgusting tongues out in a manner far too reminiscent of a wayward child determined to tease and ridicule. I should not be surprised by the surfacing of emotions I believed far past dealt with, however, I am taken off guard...walking a little off kilter as I try to shield the heart from anything resembling hatred and loathing.

I suppose the natural question is...what is the anger, where is the anger coming from and why is the anger surfacing now? I endeavour to dig deep to examine the remnants of injury and wounds causing the anger...take them out and examine from all angles until understanding dawns and find the path to releasing the hot emotions coursing through my veins, heating my blood.

I do not miss him...I do not miss the pain associated daily with living with a demented, tortured child within an adult body....what I do miss is the warm body beside mine in bed...I miss the time stolen from me that I will never get back, time better spent on myself or someone willing to live up to their promises...I miss having someone to talk to after a particularly difficult shift at work....I miss mattering to someone....

As I list these attributes I hear that quiet voice in my head reminding me that the only part of those things I miss that actually existed was the warm body in bed, with the occasional conversation about work. Dear friends....we miss...I miss what didn't exist, what I so desperately hoped for, prayed for but never had. We miss the dream of what could have been, what should have been....the building blocks we stacked based on what we were told, what we were promised. It was always a figment of our creative imagination...cajoled along by sweet lies whispered in our ears and tracked straight to our hearts.

Finally...finally someone who understands us...we wrongly trusted in words meant to reel you back in to the fold.

This....this dear hearts is at the heart of my anger this morning. Anger at him, but a greater anger at myself for believing so very desperately in something as light and thin and fragile as the gossamer wings of a butterfly.

How dare he lie...how dare he make me believe in a construct, a fantasy and then hand me the truth over time....furtively revealing the monster behind the mask.

How dare he knowingly betray...lie...steal my time...

How dare he be the complete opposite of the kind, funny, loving man he initially presented?

How dare he squash, torment, torture that small broken child living within his heart, begging him to stop harming not only the women that come and go...but that heartbroken, lost child within?

How dare he take pleasure in my grief, in my sorrow?

How dare he rejoice in breaking down to pieces the child living deep down in my own psyche searching for that one person that would understand and align with me.

I look back this morning to remind of the steps taken along this path of healing and the ground that has been covered.

My encouragement this morning would be this....allow it to surface, to pop up from the depths and be exposed to the light of forgiveness for them and for yourself. Release the anger, give it a voice to bridge the gap between hurt and anger...let the warm winds of change sweep through in love and kindness and compassion for the pain you've endured.

You are able....you are capable....warriors every one.

Walk tall and proud....hold your head high knowing you have survived a series of battles meant to decimate, meant to debilitate.

Speak your truth softly but with the authority hard fought for in a war of worlds foreign to most...thankfully.

Go with God today and everyday...He will make a way. In the meantime remember this one thing....you are loved. Absolutely and unconditionally.