Be Me...

There is a quiet place building within...or perhaps its always been there and I am now in the midst of renovations, throwing out the old and broken pieces...tossing away, burning, toting out the heavier items and letting them fall to the ground at my feet.

Hauling out all that no longer serves and preserves my peace, my sense of self. I heard something yesterday that has been lurking in the back of my mind, making a nuisance of itself, until this morning I set it free to breathe, to be seen and heard fully.

Isn't it time I was me...I mean the real deal me? The me that I've spent most of my life changing, compromising, molding to fit any situation and person/s I come into contact with.

Unequivocally me...accepting the flaws, the tendency to laugh at odd or dark moments, the need and drive to do...something....

To be completely transparent my friends, I am not quite sure who that is anymore. And while that may seem somewhat frightening I will tell you that not much scares me anymore.

Instead...for those who are in the midst or years out....let it be an adventure, seeing everything in a new light.

How easily have I slid neatly into the slot already fashioned and ready for whoever I felt needed me...how completely I dove into the routine of each one...

Oh, sometimes it took some adjusting as I learned the newest ropes...a little correcting here, a word or two or ten there...tweaking, molding, compromising until I couldn't recall who I truly was. Now to be fair...I tended to gravitate to those who had some blue collar in their blood so I wouldn't miss out on things I really loved...the outdoors, quad'ing, clearing brush and big fires to burn the pruning....time spent around a campfire staring out at a body of water as the light fades into night and stars populate the sky.

Start a journal...a 'me' journal, chronicling the likes, the dislikes...the 'I hate liver' and eggplant...the 'I love the feel of my toes in the warm sand.'

What do you love dear hearts? What are your dreams, your goals and aspirations? Are they being squashed, ridiculed, or pushed away for 'another day?'

Allow yourself the room to contemplate, then the freedom of choosing the things you enjoy.

Seeing yourself shrink everyday in an effort to make someone else happy is not an equal relationship. Having your thoughts, your ideas, your dreams ridiculed and spoken of with derision and contempt is not ok. The times I was convinced that I was in a safe place and able to go for the things I had dreamed of my entire existence... a lie....a fabrication of monumental proportions.

You see dear survivors/victims....your joy de vivre, your excitement, your talents are a threat to their ego. When it turns out that perhaps you are better at something or at the very least on par with their abilities, it will be seen as a threat.

There is no easy answer here... the truth seeks out light...seeks out honesty...seeks out a genuine heart. The truth I came to see is this; if what brings you happiness threatens their safety and peace then you are in a malnourished partnership. One of you is starving...the other is fat and content picking their teeth with your bones...with your hopes, with your dreams.

The seeing...the knowing...the revelation...the TRUTH is devastating.

The love you thought you shared, the intimacy you believed you held crumbles like dust in your fingers..sifting through faster and faster as the scales fall from your eyes.

Dearest people....how I struggle to put into words the pain that truth brings...the agony of acknowledging the face behind the mask. I am so sorry to tell you that there is no easy way...the path leads to rocky, mountainous terrain that will cut the feet to shreds, bruise and slash as you make your way up and over...leading to a desert so bleak it drains your strength and wears you to the bone...

And yet...there is a wind, a warm wind for the chill of the mountain... a cool wind for the heat of the desert...and on the other side, a cool clear stream greets your efforts with water that goes down smooth and sweet. As you kneel to drink in gratitude and thankfulness for the strength to make the journey and the reward of delightful peace...there in the stillness of the water you see yourself, shifting...bending...moving with the flow of the stream...that reflection is the real you dear hearts. The truest you....sorrow-filled eyes yes, but look deeper and see....everything you've been over the years runs across your face...everything you've seen and done, been and created...there for you to witness as from a distance.

Dive in and let the waters fill you with renewed strength, reaffirmed hope and the peace that passes all understanding. You are free...free to truly be who you were meant to be.

Dear lost and broken hearts searching, seeking a tomorrow empty of chaos, anger and hatred...do not give up hope. God has made a way for so many and will for you too.

You are so important, so vital to this world...you may not know it but you fill someones life with joy...you impart love when and wherever you can and that my loves, is so unique and wonderful. I know you're tired....I know you're disheartened and feeling so alone....

We....we survivors stand with you....you are never alone, never. May you know God's presence (or the universe, Buddha, Allah..however you worship or believe) and His protection. I pray you find the strength to quietly reach out for help, to find a way free.

It is scary...the heart skips a beat..then another...fight, flight, or freeze. I vote for flight sweet friends...you are worthy of so much more. How many times have you communicated with your partner only to have the same consistently harmful behaviour? You truly do not need to explain the basic human tenants of kindness, compassion and love...they know. I wager the person in your life would never allow disrespect to be directed to him/her....indeed they have a hair trigger for disrespect of any kind. They know.

My heart bleeds...aches...breaks for each one suffering in the bowels of the fight...a fight for survival each and every day. I pray you do not give up, do not give in...I pray you find your way clear and that you feel and know the presence of God and His angels watching over you. You are worthy of God's love....loved, cherished and accepted as you are, as you were created to be. Go with God today and every day and I pray you begin to know your worth and build upon that knowing.

Snow is falling gently outside my window and I am reminded of re-birth...of each season coming and making way for the old to slowly (here in the north especially) slide its way round the globe. We are in a season dear friends, and like each season it has an end....and a new beginning, a fresh start to be...you.

Today I begin the journey of discovering exactly who that is and I hope you do the same...take the time to discover the true blue you.