Be Wary

Good morning sweet ones...

This morning has been a twitchy one... anyone going through healing from trauma knows exactly what I'm getting at.

Anxiety...

Fear...

Feeling Lost and without direction...

In response to the twitchy's I put on some soft music...my go-to is usually christian in nature as it soothes.

When that grated on my nerves as well I switched to woodworking videos, and found the same response.

Nothing was working to alleviate the fallout so I turned to a 'How to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse' video on YouTube, put out by Richard Grannon, a licensed therapist.

Big Mistake...

I have this thing that I do... if something bothers me I double down and watch what upsets in its entirety.

Some of this is leftover from the Abusive relationship I left coupled with my upbringing... thinking that if its bothering me it must mean that the problem lies within me.

A twenty five minute video became an albatross around my neck, dragging me further down into the depths of despair while conversely upping my anxiety to an all time high.

please understand this... I like this Richard Grannon... He has a lot of good content out with online workshops and helps a lot of people coming out of narcissistic relationships find their way back. However, this does not mean that he is infallible.

The issue is this... my particular brand of sociopath, which of course includes narcissism, was highly physically abusive, the indoctrination intensive. Perhaps this means that I needed to hear what he had to say even more... perhaps it would lend credence to the words he spoke, of 'individuation' and 'dual mothership.'

The presentation was well thought out with diagrams and bullet points, interspersed with warnings of becoming a narcissist ourselves if we do not heal properly.

And this is where the issues come into play... ... ...

As empaths we are already in a 'mothering,' nurturing role. It is inherent to an empath.

It is too ingrained within the traumatized child to take on blame, to take on words spoken that we may be doing something wrong.

We feel all too deeply the push/pull of being told we need to heal, but to not become.. them.

Trauma to an empath is a blow to our healing, not to others.

It does not automatically push them to narcissistic traits...it pushes empaths to do better.

To work harder... love more... give more.

Please hear me dear hearts.... this warning is this...

....it is all too easy to push an empath to work harder to help others, to heal others that are in need.

At this point in our healing journey it is not a help, it is a hindrance.

Oh, I believe in giving...

examples.... volunteering to shovel driveways for the elderly, volunteering to clean the homes of people who are unable due to illness or mental health illnesses...

It is crucial to an empath to give back, to seek out those who are in need.

But in order to help others we must also take care of our healing.

Even as I write this I cringe slightly. Since when do we put ourselves first? It seems selfish to do so... seems contrary to our very nature.

This is why I write a warning today to be careful what you watch, and when, in the course of your healing.

Be kind to you... Be loving to you... you're in need.

You're the one who needs the help right now... mentally, emotionally and physically.

so give it....

The good news or the positive in watching the video? I have written in these posts about the narcissist looking for a 'mother.'

We are well aware of the issues as eventually the 'honeymoon' phase wears thin and we begin to see the monster within quite clearly ...

Looking for us to fulfill the role that was never fulfilled by their mother.

And it grated... I hated the role he placed me in. Many times I described it as 'friend-zoning,' or being his 'wingman.'

I wanted a relationship as partners, as lovers...

No wonder sex with their significant others becomes disgusting to them... mother role.

No wonder they stick to fantasy, porn, dating sites and seeking out other women....

We are placed in this role of mother... and we naturally step into the role as that's who we are at the heart of it all. Nurturers.

However, as it becomes clear to the empath, rebellion emerges.

And the cycle of abuse begins to come clear and hard until we are bullied into performing a role we detest. Not being nurturers.... but the root of the role;

The snuggling...

The Physical ailment complaints...

The verbal jabs...

The criticisms couched in 'jokes.'

The devaluing and discarding....

Ah dear hearts... never fear that you are losing your sanity... for this is a ridiculously complex personality disorder that even trained professionals struggle with.

There is no straight path to healing...

There are no hard and fast rules to getting out....

It is and will be different for every woman (or man).

One of the points in the video was that we, the targets, are looking for a mother within our abuser.

I'm going to call bulls*t on that one. Maybe our Fathers...what my daughter jokingly refers to as 'Daddy issues,' but not mothers.

We are not mothering our mothers... oxymoron much?

I made myself watch 23 mins out of the 25... and everything in me wanted to shout...

NO!!!

it is far too easy and detrimental as counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists to direct the masses improperly as they speak what they theorize are the issues... in a blanket, generalization mentality.

In my own journey I have had many 'teaching moments' with counsellors as we delve into my unique journey and what is or isn't fitting within their idealized parameters. No judgement here, only patience and understanding of their training and where it fits for me and my path to healing.

Your path... as an individual, in your particular abusive relationship with an individual who may or may not be something they've encountered.

Does this make sense? Not every case study is the same... x + y does not necessarily = z.

We are each unique in our own way.

So, if you do find a video and watch to improve yourself, to facilitate healing... be wary.

Pay attention to your response and be honest in what you're feeling.

Perhaps it hits close to home and therefore needs to be dissected, evaluated and applied.

Be gentle with yourself as you do this... baby steps...

However, if your response is anxiety, fear, despair.... turn it off, save it for later or completely dismiss until you're in a place of healing and can listen and say.. 'yeah, that's not for me' and move on.

I took the parts I think I can apply and gave myself a much needed pat on the back for the issues I identified early on within the relationship and pushed back on...

It is crucial to recognize growth! Empowerment comes with each 'win.'

The rest I leave behind me.

Understand that an empath will take on the blame instead of placing it where it belongs.

Recognize the broken child within the man(woman).

Everything within wants to argue the point about mothering....

We ARE women.... it is the mother within that wishes to nurture, and that is not something that we should be ashamed of or smother.

It is integral to being female.

We do not want to therefore be their mother. We desire to be their partner, their lover, their caregiver when in need...

Victim shaming...this is what the video seemed to be, to me.

'look, the NPD is looking for a mother and you gave it to him.'

ummmm... nope. we gave love and nurture and care and empathy...

And when asking for basic needs we were shut down... hard. Those basic needs fall outside of their abilities to see us as anything other than the role they placed us in.

Dear Hearts... you are worthy of a healthy relationship. You are worthy of being valued for who you are. Remember this as you find your own unique healing path to recovery.

God bless you and keep you and may you find peace within.