Better Days

Today I have the pleasure of spending time with Family and friends... people that love me.

My life is fuller because of them and oh how I missed them while hiding under the isolation rock my abuser placed me in. The battles over me travelling the hour and a half back then to see my son, or all the kids and grandchildren for a birthday or Christmas, all the while it was because of his violent actions that I could not take him with me. The number of times I asked him to come when they still had no idea of what was happening within the relationship and he said no, didn't matter. Only his feelings of betrayal.

One son was more forgiving and would have been ok with spending time with him but the answer was still no. He had no idea how to be with family... His was a chaotic, violent mess.

If an argument didn't start over something he didn't agree with, or one of his siblings or mother... it wasn't a family event.

My family is funny, loving and full of life. Imagine it... it would be like a thousand knives grating across his skin, a thousand mirrors held up to showcase his own fragile ego and the envy would overcome him. In that way I can understand why he just couldn't say yes, the weakness of the mind would have collapsed under the combined weight of all that he didn't and doesn't have.

Instead he fills his time with dating sites, hook ups, porn, live sex, live strip chat and so much perversion. This sustains him as he has nothing else.

I came to that realization today...I take a little longer than the average bear to fully discern the 'why' sometimes.

He is alone, even when he is with someone.

He needs snuggles, or nuggles as he calls them, because in his heart he is still broken from a mother that did not love him properly, or loved him in the only way she knew how. Regardless, eventually boredom will set in once again and he will need new supply.

How incredibly sad and pitiful to live in this way.

I pity the boy inside the man, I pity the man who does not know how to accept love let alone give it. He loves the idea of love... it buoys him up... the cheating, the betrayals... it is all his way of feeling important and accepted and more... wanted.

I can breathe a little easier today.

Knowing the 'why' helps ease the pain of betrayal and all the shit I went through with the monster.

What a sad state to be in 24/7. Never knowing if you're truly loved because your parents didn't teach you what love really is. Never knowing if what you feel is real or a construct of your own pathetic need for attention.

So stay strong dear hearts... this too shall pass and you will find all that you deserve.

Never with the monster... oh no...

That man that smiled at you in the hardware store has more kindness in his little finger than the abuser you ran from.

That kind hearted dude who took the time to help you jump start your battery, dead from the extreme cold. And expected nothing in return....

This is what I look to now, I look to the men in my life who actually truly care for me and do not play games with my mind and my heart. I am safe. Finally.

May God bless you and keep you all during this season of giving and receiving. May His face shine down upon you and keep you safe, always.