Black or White

If I said black you said white...if I said the day was warm you said that it was cold...always an argument and while reading today I learned this particularly devastating game is called narcissistic countering:

Narcissists who engage in chronic countering tend to target the issues they know will hurt you the most. This means that if you mention perspectives that touch on your innermost core moral values and impactful experiences, they will be sure to “debate” those in order to harm and invalidate you.

I thought it humorous at first when the man in my life would argue white over black...warm over cold...and of course this would seem silly to the average person, until it wasn't.

This was just the birthing place to an onslaught of arguments regarding morals and personal ideals. The arguments became contentious and what at first was regarded as silly became a battlefield with relentless ongoing attacks.

One statement went something like this......

Your God is not stronger than evil, He isn't stronger than me. My brand of voodoo will wipe you out and when I curse you it will happen.

Hard to ignore that particular threat....

The fear would beat in my chest while I remained composed outwardly.

Fear as I feared for his soul...

Fear because once again I was under attack....this time the chosen field of battle was spiritual.

Fear as I was once again caught off guard by his own special brand of torture.

The one and only time I was able to end this line of questioning was when I burst into spontaneous laughter. Oh, it was not joyful... oh no. Disbelief...I mean really?

I felt a heat in my chest that burned as it traveled up my throat and out past my lips... in a fanciful moment I thought to myself.... what the naked eye was unable to see was the fire that was released with the harshest of laughs.

He laughs at fear, afraid of nothing... He does not shy away from the sword, he cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds. Job 39:22

Pity...anger....puzzlement...and the tempest of understanding that he was playing with a force he did not truly understand... on either end.

Perhaps he witnessed something I did not, for as the laughter filled the room I shifted to look more squarely at him and saw his head whip around. I was witness in that moment to a multitude of emotions playing across his face.

Confusion...shock...dumfounded, and fear...brief but there.

Operating under instinct and a still small voice within I spoke for what would be the final time on this subject.

Oh hunny...You do not know my God...

and with laughter still lacing my words and voice I paraphrased a bible verse...

You seek to make me fearful of a dominion that God holds power over and I will never believe differently.

Psalm 32:7

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

God showed up and quieted the beast within. Then and for the remaining time/s I spent with him the subject of God and my abusers power was never again debated.

I have come to learn that this tactic is used to manipulate and control by wearing you down mentally. If you're constantly being fought every day (as I was) about every thought and every opinion that you have, eventually you just stop sharing them...

I minimized my own voice to keep the peace and stop the crazy. The ridiculous part is that they do this whether they actually agree with you or not. It's all about asserting their power and control over you, little by little.

If I could impart one bit of wisdom... besides escaping the situation first and foremost....

it would be this... Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves... Matthew 10:16

Be firm in your beliefs and opinions but do not waste time arguing your case, or your reasons with someone who seeks only to destroy the very underpinnings of your foundation.

Seeks to create chaos and confusion...

Seeks to weaken your defences...

Sitting quietly and not engaging the monster that lies within states your opinion louder than any words in the English language, or any other, will ever do.

I struggle this morning as I sit with my first coffee of the day...

The how and the why....

The where and the when...

The painful emotions, the heartfelt recriminations...

The mental musings, the dread in the pit of my stomach...

I struggle to find the right words to convey my compassion and love for where you are, and for what you're fighting right now.

I believe that evil exists... I have been witness to it as never before.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Esphesians 6:12

This may seem extreme to the average person reading these words, oh they may scoff and brush it off as nonsense. Evil forces... a higher power... sounds like something straight out of DC or Marvel.

If you've been in the battle for your life... for your sanity you accept the things I am saying about the monster that comes out to play on a regular basis. You've been in the pit.

The hair that would at times stand on end... feeling, sensing something other riding on the shoulders of the one that had just moments before professed his love.

The staggering fear that would figuratively and physically drive you to your knees..

When the breath in your lungs would freeze and burn as it sluggishly made its way up and out... you would swear it came out in a cold plume before your very eyes...

When you finally glanced at the man only to find another in his place... oh his physical form showed it to still be him....however, surrounding him...enveloping him was a form hideous to the gaze.

fanciful words you think.... actual experience I say.

Nothing is fanciful about abuse... the degradation of another human being...

Nothing fanciful regarding learning to never allow tears to fall... this brought on more.

Nothing fanciful about the tap dance executed on the floor of your mind...destroying your sanity in great greedy gulps...

Dear hearts... you are stronger than you know... you have withstood the battering of an enemy that stood by and watched you suffer, regroup and once back on your feet begins again.

Harder and with zeal, with fervour until you are battle weary and easily picked off.

Knowledge is power... for them as well. As they learn your deepest fears, the innermost workings of your heart and mind.... they come back with force and with power.

Guard your heart dear ones.

Guard it closely for the enemy seeks your downfall.

Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walketh about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 1 Peter 5:8

I pray that you will hear my heart my friends. I loved the man, I weeped for the broken child residing somewhere deep within, I yearned for his healing.

The reality was too much to bear for a time.

The reality I finally came to accept... I was living with and loving.... a glimpse.

A glimpse of a beautiful soul before he was traumatized...

A glimpse of the man he could have been...

A glimpse of a heart in need of an ocean of love...

I was in love with a glimpse.

Overshadowing all of those glimpses is the evil that was and is chosen daily... minute by minute. With a clear and sober mind he....

Chose to betray..

Chose to lie...

Chose anger...

Chose to inflict physical pain...

I could go on and on with the everyday things, simple things, they choose to inflict upon you.

Grasping and admitting the truth about the man (woman) you are with or have escaped from, is and will be the toughest undertaking you have experienced. Not only because you love(d) this man (or woman).... no.

Indoctrination, Mind-control and brainwashing techniques any secret service would be proud to incorporate into their torture handbook.

Envision the thickest and heaviest of chains binding you to your personal hell-weaver...

Breaking these chains is not work for the faint of heart dear ones...It will take determination and perseverance.... this lives within each one of you. You have been assigning these principles to the wrong person.

It is far past time you line these up for yourselves... take the time and let yourself heal away from the monster that stole from you. From the monster who ravaged you. Take it back... I believe, truly, that God will restore everything that he robbed from you.

I pray for your continued safety and for your peace in the midst of the storm.

May God keep you safe and make His face to shine upon you wherever you are today. Know that you are loved. Know that you are not alone, never alone.