Blank Slate...

Two days off and ready to burst with restlessness...deciding which trail to climb, what lake to enjoy on the list of many gorgeous sites to visit in the Bulkley-Nechako area. Yesterday the decision was the Fraser Mountain Trail and time spent nearby at Beaumont Provincial Park...sun shining bright and clear despite the numerous fires still active and wind blowing cool air on warm skin...the walking out and out and out in shallow water that stretches out for a good hundred yards. Amidst other families enjoying the sun and a beautiful dog chasing the seagulls across the water, doing an amazing job at creating a walking-on-water, or rather running-on-water illusion.

I have spent so much time alone with my thoughts, with myself that I have reached a state of just being...grateful for silence...thankful for the grace to love myself where I am.

Every moment a gift...

Every second of peace a bounty...

God is good my friends...'He is faithful, His steadfast Love never ends...' Lamentations 3:22

Freedom...oh dear hearts...the freedom to choose, the freedom to do...what priceless wonder is this? I think back to the prison walls that surrounded me...visible and hidden...no adventure, no doing things with others, no friends, little to no time with family....isolation at its finest...groomed with anger, with suspicion, with derision, with demeaning words to toe the line...fear of losing you to others, fear of others liking you too much...here jealousy rears its ugly head...

Where do I go with these thoughts my friends but to a life created by the one you choose to love until the choice is no longer yours. Love lives within...however... slowly, bit by bit, that love is crushed and put to the test, time and time again.

Put to the test you are judged and found wanting...no matter how hard you give, no matter how much you bend and bend some more. As you love more...the higher the derision, the higher disgust rises...

Diving deep here dear treasures...and though I feel I am missing the mark I must continue to try to delve into the deep down things no one wishes to speak of...it stirs up pain, it serves up memories that hit the psyche like rapid gun-fire...pock, pock, pocking against the walls of the mind until shut down, shut into the lock-box to be taken out later once again.

Healing trauma requires much my friends...it asks much and will tax your newly found strength and health...

Healing trauma must include opening up that box routinely...not for the tears, not for drama, nor for pity...it is not for the faint of heart opening up those times and spaces that strike fear and anger and grief as deep as the ocean. One memory will lead to another...and another...an indefinite number to unpack...

One moment at a time dear treasures...one memory only....unlock and examine closely...remember each detail...the sound of his/her voice, the smells and extraneous details...the look on their face, the eyes that are the window to the soul...what do/did they say? Your words...your calm demeanour hoping to fight off the impending storm...

See clearly their part in the whole...then see yours....slightly off balance, yes? One hand raised in supplication, love and hope....the other raised in anger and a burning need to erase everything about you; to inflict pain upon your person, your mind, your spirit.

No matter how they may lie to themselves and others...the truth stands...

Luke 8:17 'For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.'

It is a path of difficultly... yet each step a victory...each breath a gift....

Today I choose life...I choose adventure and have the knowledge that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

Today I choose to live in the moment...and that moment takes me to the beach once more...to trails awaiting the tread of my boots, the inhaling of clean forest air...

My prayer for you today is that you choose life my friends....that you choose happiness no matter where you are, no matter how deep in the pit....choose life.

Waymaker, miracle worker, light in the darkness....He will make a way dear hearts...