Bottom...

Straight to the bottom...do not pass go...0-60 in 2.7 seconds...i triggered hard, gave myself a moment to think and informed the person attempting to deflect responsibility for their actions on me that i was exiting stage left and going inside my house.

I writhed in shame, in embarrassment at the tears that threatened, at the anger burning to be spoken in words the neanderthal would understand...instead i chose peace. Mine...

Instead I chose to end a manipulative, gaslighting conversation rather than waste any more breath or time with such a man.

I sit now, in thankfulness...in gratitude to a God who strengthens, who helps me stand and speak truth as kindly as I may...who helps me speak truth with dignity in the face of a straight up lie...

I sat for a time in uncomfortably loud silence, taking time to reflect on the anger, on the tears that came once the door was firmly closed behind me...I spoke kindly to a heart still on the mend, I spoke with compassion to the child within that is slowly finding her feet.

I sit now with a full heart...when the time came I stood...when push came to shove I stood...

The only part I still find cringe-worthy would be my assurances that I was just feeling emotional this morning; as though to explain away MY behaviour, when mine was not at fault, give assurances to someone who did not and would never need them. They are never wrong...in their own mind, they live large, in charge and at large. Completely immersed in a lie within a lie, within a lie...on and on like the Russian dolls ensconced within one another down to the tiniest doll...each one braced on, built upon foundations of lies that hold teetering, tottering shame that would destroy if it came all at once.

This is one area i will work on...it is ok for others to feel uncomfortable for the disrespect, the gaslighting, the lies being revealed...it is theirs to carry, not yours dear friends.

I tuck away the experience for future use...i tuck away wisdom, learning and grace for future and for present me. All is well...while I may suffer some residual exhaustion for the tidal wave of cortisol in the form of fear, of feeling displaced and disjointed, for the hyper vigilance that springs into play like an old sports mate, shifting gears smoothly into overdrive...ready for anything, mind sharpened to a fine edge while still feeling slightly foggy, a lovely form of c-ptsd...sluggish yet revved to the highest of rpm's...

Exhausting...yes, triggering another, most especially when/if you know their specifically abusive background, is the responsibility of each person handing out the triggering behaviours...

Talking above and over your voice...

Flipping the script to land upon your shoulders, though clear responsibility for the property falls in their own hands...

Deflecting, once again to shift your attention from them to yourself...

Ah the mental games from one who should know better but is easily intimidated by women who speak their minds, stand for themselves...

No longer...and oh my friends did it feel good to voice the thoughts and principles and rights we each have to be served kindness, compassion, patience and understanding and if you are not able to do so my feet will carry far from you...God grant me wings to fly away to another land, where men and women do not seek your joy, turning it to your suffering...

I would gladly, most gladly live out the remainder of my days without contact with people beyond those within my circle of trusted friends, coworkers, family....

But we all are placed here to learn...to live...to love...to laugh....

Life gives us tears...fears...sadness and sorrow...because of it we taste of joy sweeter, fuller and better, deeper...

I stand today and find my groove...the groove i've been slogging out since my exodus from the land of peril, from the mountains of Fear and Loathing, the valleys of insincerity and Illusion, the oceans of tears and torment...the woman i've been remaking, piece by slow peace, reminding myself of my worth, my need to stay here on this plane of existence, mapping my way to each and every goal, dream and vision.

This is what we are meant for my friends...for finding our groove, each one different from the other, for reasons as varied as the sands upon the beach...we live, love, laugh and embrace change as it comes, calling it friend and smoothing the way forward.

We will make it dear treasures, most sincerely to each lost one... you will indeed find your way, your path, unique to you, lovely you. Worthy of love...of commitment and a love heretofore unkown...patience and kindness as deep as the ocean.

Keep going my friends...do not give in to despair, therein lay the monsters waiting to swallow you whole within the comforting but smothering darkness.

Keep moving...loving...giving yourself kindness and all the things you desperately need.

You are worthy of them...all of them.

God bless your days and your nights...may you heal as you sleep, mend as you breathe deeply into that good night...may God keep you safe in His arms of love, breathing peace deep into your soul, your spirit.