Bruised...

I sit this morning near the fire and sip slowly, letting peace wash over...allowing comfort and hope to steer me clear of the dreams and thoughts of the night....dreams of change overlying the dreams of hurt and betrayal....sifting through the dross, the chaff, the unwanted I seek life, I seek joy....knowing that dreams take us through unsorted emotions I let it wash away with the fine taste of coffee, I let it burn clean with the fire burning in the wood stove...my heart eases, spirit lifts in billowing beauty to the skies to fly among the clouds dotting an as yet dark sky....unseen but there...free from distress, from fear....I no longer live within that hot box, within that prison with no bars....I am free to be, just be.

The last few days have been filled with driving the back country roads once more...roads such as the Leo Creek FSR boasting an insane amount of traffic calling kilometres, easing into pullouts to allow the big rigs to pass on snow packed, blade rutted roads that will test your courage...one such big rig's back end sliding, corrected, sliding once more, corrected again and passed me by, by the skin of his teeth. The fixing of a windshield wiper amongst the silence of falling snow and trees heavy laden with it...the quiet mirroring my soul....

The Holy Cross (100 & 200) and the absolute beauty of snow covered roads, trees and hills...the silence once again as I step from my truck to survey the artistry of creation...the soft wind blowing through my hair, the contentment of solitude and knowing, seeing how far I've come...the path behind blanketed with the purity of blinding white snow, showing only my footprints, my steps from the muck, the mire, the mud from which I was pulled, saved....

The pick up truck with wooden posts and tarp covered truck bed pulled over to the side of the road, a man securing lines that must have come loose as the medium sized bovine in the back shifted restlessly...ah the things we see dear hearts, they tickle the comic inside, create joy in just being and I silently thanked this man for supplying me with the belly laugh of the day...

My emotions these days linger close to the surface...ready to be examined, ready to be released to the heavens....I spend more and more time in the quiet; no radio, no internet...just me and find that I remember this part of me, this part of my childhood, my teenage years....I would retreat when needed, would walk and find a place to just sit and let the thoughts come, breathe, and let them go, committing them to a God who sees me, truly sees me...He created me, you, us...of course He knows us down to the core...and more, loves us truly, cherishes us as we are, always.

I have felt bruised these last weeks...but not broken, no. Bruised with little patience for small talk, for things that do not uplift, that do not speak life. Oh my heart lays heavy at times as I pray for comfort and peace for family, for my children and grandchildren. I know their sorrow...I feel it, sense it, carry it...and so I do the one thing I can when I cannot be near them, I pray...and I send love and compassionate thoughts...

We bruise dear hearts but we heal...we feel smothered, ground to dust, but we recover....like a physical wound repairs, itches, cracks, then heals some more... we have that little bit of ourselves within that never leaves, never gives up....you lost ones, you survivors know of what I speak. We withhold a spark...a light dimmed close to nonexistence, but there, shining weakly but shining nonetheless.

This...this my friends never leaves...we live to fight another day, to get up and fight to take our lives back, to succeed in goals and dreams we never thought possible...truly.

Oh I see you...I see you silently crying thinking this could never be you, you could never have the strength to leave, to fight, to win....I hear your heart, and more I know it intimately for it mirrors mine...or mirrored mine. God made a way dear treasures and He will for you too.

I saw only prison bars, no matter that they weren't physically present....spiritually, mentally, emotionally they exist, as binding as Fort Knox...felt only despair and hopelessness, created in a witches cauldron, in the heart of the human waste of skin housing the monstrous heart intent on keeping me there, destroying me fully...I speak harshly my friends, I do yes...it is a harsh land to live in, a harsh puppet master controlling the strings in every area...

Dragging the victim this way and that, never allowing them to catch their breath nor to find their feet...switching it up to create anxiety, fear and thus more control and isolation.

Oh it's a mess of a life, a chaotic miasma of grief and betrayals, manipulations and mind-f*ckery.

But I will tell you dear hearts, it is not hopeless...it is not impossible....God is a God of possibles, of miracles and mighty to save....

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

I am here today to speak of life, of joy, of the promise of tomorrow...no matter your circumstance, no matter the evil in your life, anything is possible...anything. He will make a way for you, you have only to step out, step away...take up your courage and walk dear treasures, dear lost ones....you may feel broken, bruised and lost, but you will be found...you are seen and known...in those moments of sheer terror and fear, God stands with you, for you, hand outstretched....

My prayer for you today is this...that you find that spark, that life within you and continue to guard it at all costs...that spark will take you far my friends...so far...it will provide you with the courage to move, to run, to find freedom from fear and loathing.

You are worthy of more...so much more. You are singularly precious, uniquely made and one of a kind. Worthy...worthy...worthy dear dear one. Always...

Step out and away, walk tall, stand proud and speak your truth...shoulders back, head held high take back your life, your heart, your spark...it is yours and yours only....

God keep you...safe, protected, guarded....may He make His face to shine upon you, may you see little miracles erupt in your life guiding you home... guiding you to peace, to freedom.