Care and Attention...

This morning, before, during and after my first cup of heaven I had the distinct thought that perhaps I should go back to bed and start the day all over again. Clumsy moments...dropped my phone, bent down to get it and dipped a good chunk of hair in said cup of heaven, liberally doctored with French vanilla creamer and sugar...retrieved the phone only to drop it again trying to avoid the coffee au last dripping off my newly washed hair.

It doesn't get better than this my friends...I did offer one expletive up to the clumsy gods in hopes they will leave me be for the rest of the day, if not my life.

I wake often during the night...sometimes able to fall back to sleep before the thoughts take over; the what-ifs, the if only's, the 'it could have beens,' the 'f*cking poisonous bastard,' the 'why did he even bothers.' Often times my constant companion will come curl up on my chest and do his level best to distract me from my silent tears.

It may seem odd dear hearts to know that the tears come more frequently now...they do not fall easily but they build up behind my eyes until I can no longer contain them. Freeing, healing tears...releasing the hurt, the gut-wrenching disappointments...the crushing weight sitting on my chest pounds and beats until I let it up and out....released to the heavens, to the very depths of my soul...lightly landing and touching upon the wound, before lifting, sifting and winging its way away on the wind, away on the tears that persistently plop and drip down off my cheeks. I sit in awe of the presence and healing comfort of faith in a God who has never left me.

How do I know?

The moment He sat with me, granting me the courage to speak out against the voodoo curses and promises of death spoken...the absolute surety of purpose and protection spilling off my lips with few words but words of impact, of belief turning away the wiles of the enemy.

The moment I saw the disgust and confusion coating his face....disgust as he could not convince me and confusion as he could not understand the depth of knowledge and faith in something beyond his ken.

The one thing I stood firm on in a shaky, ever-spinning world....my belief in God's protection.

The backing down of a hopeful avenue of fear...the taking on of, boasting even, having a part in curses he believed his doing. Truck breaking down...a fall...anything slightly off kilter was his ability to speak as a voodoo descendent.

Reading this is so very cringe-worthy....I mean, it is something akin to his boasting of his part in an organization that would have chewed him up and spit him out...HA affiliations, delusions of grandeur.

To give Voodoo priests and priestesses...my apologies if I'm off here...but to give them credit, they practice their craft...refine it and work at it. In typical narcissistic elitist attitude, it was believed that because it was in his history he had the 'power' and the right to claim it.

Like a small town bully meeting the newcomer, they hold a belief that they are the cock of the walk...the big man....

'They swagger and make loud noises in their own little circle, but they are only the coyotes that yap around the heels of the herd.' Louis L'Amour

To put the man in perspective....place that man anywhere but where he is comfortable and see how he reacts. With swagger, with brashness, puffed out chest like a rooster showing off...suddenly he is no longer the big man, the top dog.

Dear hearts...I sincerely hope and pray that you hear my hearts intent.

The aim of the bully, the abuser is to make themselves seem larger than life to hide the fragile ego within, and to keep you in line with that thinking until the monster under the bed holds no sway...the usual fears take a back seat....to the true magnificent mess of a monster in your life.

Put him where he belongs my friends...at the bottom of the totem pole.

There was a time when the threats extended to my brothers...how he would beat them up, destroy them....perhaps my disbelief registered on my face as the anger rose, the words harsher. Mentally I went through my brothers starting with the second oldest...a small smile was all I allowed, but the thought was this...you try to trap that ole cougar who's been up and around the mountain a time or two and good luck. I never for one second believed he could hurt him. The next was the oldest...citified but street smart and no small fighter. No fear there either...

And then I came to the brother closest in age and I kid you not, gave a small shudder...for the abuser. The quietest of the bunch....and rage as bottomless as the ocean....growing up he was the only one that had the ability to scare me when he got angry...I'll tell you why....it was a cold, cold controlled anger and could and did sweep everything up in its path if you were dumb enough to stick around.

yeah...the brothers were nothing to worry over when it came to fighting. A small part of me wished for a meet with one of those big brothers...wished to see him put in his place by someone not cowed by his physical abuses, not deep in the pits of despair.

Oh...a physical representation of God's wrath here on earth...a recompense...justice.

Dear friends....the monster becomes bigger, badder and more frightening not because he is, but because he has taken the time and patience to convince you he is.

Hear me now...I am not saying he isn't scary, that he doesn't have a justified hold on your fear banks. However, put in proper perspective and placed in a group of men, true men...they do not stand a chance.

Yes, we stayed within the relationship for a reason, we believed for many reasons provided, the least of which is the physical attacks. Those are back up for words spoken and fulfilled, for the brain-washing and mind-f*ckery....Care and attention to detail is the motto.

I know I watched as just sitting and having coffee of a morning, he would be crafting in his mind the events of the day to keep me in place, to keep me in fear and sorrow and heartbreak.

Yes...it is intentional...every bit of it....and I am so sorry to have to tell you that.

So incredibly sorry for what you are going through and worse, that it comes from a mind set on playing out the worst he can do and get away with.

God keep your heart and mind and spirit safe within His arms. Protect your heart, protect your mind and your sanity at all costs...the alternative is so much worse and believe me, the road to healing is heaped with the refuse of the monster living with you right now. And more is deposited with each successive day...

Care and Attention.....to you, for you...for your peace and healing. You are worthy of every minute given to keeping your sanity in a situation most will never understand.

Speak softly...

Speak your truth dear friends and stand for that little person within you begging to be free...free of fear, free of betrayal and trauma, free of sorrow and the weight of knowing you are not loved, not truly...not kindly...not equally...

Give back to yourself the love you deserve. The compassion you deserve...

Go with God today and everyday and stay safe...survive. Your time is coming..a way out will be made, a way out will be shown. Much love for you sweet friends, and every kindness and compassion for where you're at. You will make it out and away and into freedom.