Christmas Wishes

If I believed in Santa....I would ask for new tools for my woodworking business.

Many items were left behind in the frightening exodus that followed his emotional and mental breakdown. Not to mention the power saw that I was so proud to own and use.

These things were precious to me as they offered up a new life and career.

Having to leave them behind was devastating as I had spent a good 3 or 4 grand on the tools and more than the money... it was my chance to explore this new avenue of artistic ability and to acknowledge that I actually have a talent for woodworking.

For the now....I will continue on with the little that I have and find other ways as well to continue the journey that is now my new life.

Oh do not mistake my passion for life as something that is unfeeling or without emotion regarding the man who left me behind emotionally, mentally, and physically. Far before the race for safety I was abandoned in every way possible. I was the friend, the wingman, the comfort zone and the class A 'snuggler.' But that was it. Despite this, I loved him with all I had.

This is what is not talked about.

The times that are filled with laughter, the times of laying in bed snuggled up as close as two people can be, the love that you sometimes glimpsed behind the mask of deception and lies.

We focus on the evil, the abuse, the heaps of contempt and disdain, the neglect and the pain of knowing you're not enough. But where does the grief come from? It comes from the moments (lies or not) of clarity and companionship. The glimpse of what they could be or could have been if they hadn't chosen to nurture that traumatized child in such a way as to never be hurt again. Narcissism.

This is the best way I can describe it. A lonely, continually traumatized child that was not taught how to manage their emotions and grief and hurt and instead of turning to good, they feed the fear of being hurt again and plot ways to hurt the people in their lives that they truly believe in the moments of craziness, is doing them wrong.

Stay strong dear hearts. I truly believe that the love never goes away, the grief will always be there. Why? Because you loved them, love them still. However, the grief lessens and the burden slowly eases into something you can carry without crying every moment of everyday.

God bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon you and give you peace.