Closed doors...

I woke early this am and was determined to go back to bed...2:30 just seems far too early even for the average bear. Bathroom duties completed I stood in the dark and the silence, gazing out the big living room window. The town is quiet at that hour...street lights winking in the darkness and all fast asleep in their beds. Most sleep in the wee hours of the night knowing nothing of evil doings, of the casualties of twitchy, angry men (women).

Behind closed doors...creative discord is sewn...

Behind closed doors....the muffled screams of the abused hit the walls and bounce back...

None the wiser.

Behind closed doors...'the game is afoot' (Shakespeare, Henry V)...

Behind closed doors...dirty deeds remain hidden, squirrelled away in shame and despair...

None the wiser.

Behind closed doors...the man becomes the monster...flailing this way and that...

Behind closed doors...chaos and corruption go hand in hand...wreaking havoc upon the innocent...

None the wiser.

We do not know what happens dear friends...we do not know the monster unless perceived with a wisdom and sixth sense....life is a game, people to be played and nursed along to believe the false self layered over the murderous Mr. Hyde within.

'you sure can take a beating...I'm impressed...'

Just the words a victim/survivor wants to hear....said no one ever. And yet...the victim will hang on to those words of praise like a lifeline, tuck it away into the 'examine later' pile of refuse with all the other shit plied and placed upon the heap of flawed logic.

'you going to snitch, call the cops....?'

The fallacious, felonious nature of his twisted game of mind-fuckery trickles in at the oddest of moments. And yet...when faced with something he didn't like...those snitching rules somehow do not apply. For someone who played this game with regularity until it was hammered home, the abuser does not hold himself to the same standard. Snitch...coward....little boy unable to stand the truth being revealed, stamping his feet with temper and tasking the police with controlling this disruption of his life.

Dear hearts, hear me now I ask you....The rules they lay down do NOT apply to the person in your life currently abusing you.

They do not and will not hold themselves accountable for anything they require of you.

Read that again....

I won't go into the infinite number of rules and guidelines set out over a period of time...for they truly are legion in number, and for every woman/man out there suffering at the hands of their specific monster they are eerily similar in nature and in deed. It is everything they fear bundled up into a messy ball of yarn, impossible to untangle...impossible to discern...impossible to meet directives.

What is the icing on the cupcake...they know, somewhere deep inside, that they are holding you to a standard that is unreachable...

Why? imagine, if you will, a game of football and the opposing team makes up the rules as they go along, moving the goalpost..the endline..the goal line...further and further as you make your way closer and closer.

The man-child claps and laughs in glee as you continue digging in, trying harder with every pass, with every taunt...They sleep in peace amidst the chaos they have created within you and within the environment they so kindly provide.

This is a hard road to walk down dear friends....plain and simple, it is a f*cked up road full of flashbacks and the very clear realization of the twisted nature of the man we claimed to love.

Dissecting and delving into conversations, fights, verbal barrages and endless physical moments is a shock to an already fractured system.

The positive is this...once brought to the surface and held to the light of day, to the light of clear logic...it is seen for what it was....complete and utter bullish*t...all of it. You weren't crazy...you weren't the one at fault...you are not the one responsible for the accumulated abuses!!

You gave love...and gave...and dug deeper and gave some more...and prayed and prayed harder for him, for yourself to do better, to be more...

Girl...you couldn't be more if you tried....you ARE more! You didn't need to be more...God the twisted nature of the bastard beast...you weren't enough so you tried to be enough...conversely, you were too much, too sensitive, too argumentative, too happy, too upbeat...

You see the overwhelming nature of trying to be what your person wants, needs?

You see the underlying goal by the narcissist in your life? In no direction that you turn will you find peace, find the goal line and arrive to find peace and contentment. In every direction you will find the goal posts changed, altered, moved.

I am sorry my friends, I stand with you in your pain and beseech you...find your centre...

Find who you are and stand in it and claim your place.

Where you stand in the here and now? You have nothing to prove...you are loved as you are and if the person in your life does not see your worth as you are, sees only fault... but you see their worth....you are in an unbalanced relationship.

Stand tall warriors. Tall and proud, walk out your truth...speak it and claim it. You are a Queen in your own right and worth all that is lovely, all that is kind, and all that is Love.

You know what love isn't....you know....

Go quietly and be filled with the grace of God, may His peace surround you and fill you up with courage unceasing.