Consistency...

We start with a step...a falter...a stumble...another step in the direction of 'never-to-return.' Consistently choosing each morning, afternoon and evening to do the work...some days sail on a sea of calm waters, barely a ripple to show across the blue, blue expanse....

"So good to me,

What a friend you have been..." Elevation Music.

I started with this word...pushed the fingers to begin something, anything this morning...it is not that I do not have anything to say, or write...for those who know me well, I have been gifted with the Irish gift of gab...

At a funeral for one of my uncles...the first of two uncles to contract the disease (Amyloidosis)...it became clear how private a life he led, how generous...as we sat in the Surrey backyard of my aunt and uncle (Don &Diane bless their beautiful hearts), some settled on the patio, some on the grass in chairs set in a semi circle...Aunt D providing beverages for everyone and then settling with us on the grass...laughter and stories were the boon of a life well lived, and as I surveyed the family spread out over patio and lawn, cousins, uncles, brothers, mother, daughter, I landed finally upon my Uncle Bert (Roberto) sitting across from my brother Kelly...a smile of wonder and appreciation bloomed as I watched them both use hands like an Italian to tell their hilarious, evidenced by the bodies laughing round them, stories...we, as a Smith family had been blessed with an exorbitant amount of that gift.

That Uncle telling all the great stories of childhood, of young adulthood, of families and children and their hijinks, has since passed on, suffering from the same disease...and so once again we circle back to this life being finite...we circle back to always having something to speak on, to impart; but at times my friends I struggle with the how of it, with the why of it...I struggle with knowing how much to tell, how to speak in a positive way when so much of the stories are bitterly negative, traumatic, tortuous...

I sit the word consistent to the side and instead choose 'daily.' Moment by moment is all we can comfortably do some days...daily choosing to live life to the fullest when the weight of past (yes past...and no, it can't just be 'let go.') events are as real today as they were the day they occurred.

Yes...we put them aside, away....we think on things of life, of love, of promise and of hope...

No...this is not always possible...when the evil continues, when the stalking continues, when the Justice system continues to fail women all across the country, when minding our own damn business we come across social media accounts created in our name, our personal pictures (with one taken without my knowledge) are labelled in some gross, evil ways.

Yeah...its hard to put the sh*t in the past where it belongs some days...when the garbage begins to climb higher than we can continue to take breaths without pain, without struggling...when the disappointment overwhelms and threatens to upset stability, to upset the peace so hard fought for. Yes indeed...let me throw you in the turbulent waters and watch you swim, watch your head go under...come back up to splutter and gasp...oh the water is cold, it is dark, it is deep and what is required, expected, judged upon, is that we swim...that we 'just be ok.'

No...we don't just swim dear friends, family, coworkers...no. We dive...we take a deep breath and we go under, we dive deep down to the refuse sitting at the bottom waiting on our dredging, digging, moving it up and out to dissipate on the winds of change.

Never let it be said ANY of this is easy...while the monster moves on to the next and the next and the next in an attempt to showcase his innocence, his goodness...the lost one moves on to healing, to clearing out all the chaos left behind....ah my dear treasures, this is not a 'hey look at me,' it is a 'HEY!!! people, look at these women and men doing the work while also living life the best they can...while dealing with work, with family, with friends, with LIFE...

He has been so good to me...so good...such comfort, such peace in the middle of the storm.

He is Good my friends...He is comfort...He is peace...He is joy....

He is also our protector, our shield...

"Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you." Isaiah 35:4

Go today and know this...no matter the depths we go, no matter how far, how dark the land...God goes with you...walks beside you...holds you tight as you weep, as sorrow hits you hard and deep...

Go today and each day forward in the knowledge that you are worthy...

Yes...yes...worthy of so much more than what you are living with right now, so much more than the hate, disdain, betrayals, contempt....you are love, you are loved...

No, you need not stay...he is not yours to fix, to save, to heal...that job is large and in charge enough that It belongs to the big guy.

Move my dears...move lost ones...He always makes a way, He will make a way for you too.