Crazy Funny...

Isn't it funny...not haha funny, but sad funny...crazy funny...that as we squash down our needs, wants, desires we become an illusion ourselves...a fabrication built and created by the narcissist in our lives. They show a lie...they show and speak words of everything you've ever wanted to hear...then each and every promise fades into oblivion, rides off into the sunset never to return.

What follows is the tearing down of the person YOU are, into the empty husk they desire...

What follows is watching who we were, who we are disappear one personality trait at a time until we no longer recognize the fallacy, the spectre we have become.

They turn us into themselves...or that is their hope....they turn us into the very thing they despised about their mother...empty, shut down, dead inside, emotionally unavailable...and even then each victim turns to surviving, turns to the quiet, the stillness, the very depths in search of more...more love, more forgiveness, more grace and mercy, more compassion.

Oh the incredible monstrosity of the soul that seeks destruction of the one person willing to love them in every stage, only asking for the same...the blackest of hearts that could snuggle up at night and listen to her cry silently, chest wracked with unshed tears, and sleep like a baby.

The mind meld...the brain wash...the torture...now belongs to someone else.

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy and the heart breaks in the knowing.

Perhaps justice will bring a mirror image his way...God has presented chance after chance to redeem, to change, to love without thought of self...perhaps its time.

Dear hearts...this is not your path...this agony of living is not meant for you.

You are worthy of more...so much more.

Find it...live it...love it...find what you love and enjoy without guilt, without shame, without worry 'someone' is going to complain, rant, rage...tap into the new you warriors, in peace, in comfort, in freedom from fear that has dogged your heels for far too long...

You are capable...you are able to do any and all that this life has to throw your way...

The epiphany today that hit me like a ton of bricks despite all the knowledge I have crammed in my head on the subject of abuse, and the various forms of psychopathy, was this; from shared childhood trauma's to becoming an illusion, a fabrication, a lie...the abuser and the victim inhabit the same coin, opposing sides but damn if we don't share some very uncomfortably close characteristics.

Childhood trauma...

Choices shaped, made, consciously chosen....opposing choices, polar opposite choices but made nonetheless in the same manner, in the same timely fashion for identical reasons...

Protection.......Survival...

We move into the path of the predator and like the deer we freeze in wonder...we freeze in curiosity and fascination. This person...this human being is everything and nothing like what I've wanted my whole life.

Everything in that he was funny, mechanically smart and savvy, a bush man, a man I believed worked hard in every area of his life, someone I believed saw the real me and gladly accepted and enjoyed....

(yes...all a lie of such gargantuan magnitude it boggles the mind...and the Oscar goes to...).

Nothing like what I wanted...huge gaps in education and the foundation for true understanding of human nature and the life this world gives us...meaning he had no patience whatsoever and believed himself smarter than everyone else....ignorance racially and so many areas I can't even begin to list them all. Bigoted, small ( I am an amazon...I thought I needed a big man) and did his clothes shopping at Fields...yes they still exist.

Socially awkward...I wasn't looking for too gregarious but someone who could flow with friends or family or strangers...no ego, just patience and an ability to stand for himself.

Well...this mans ego could fill an ocean deep...

He wasn't a finisher...oh god in so many ways....

And as I list the Nothings I see the list begin to deteriorate into the slightly red flag flying happening in the background. Yo...MO...run...

I will tell you that within the first 6 months and a couple disagreements I heard that small voice distinctly speak to me...a whisper floating from the heavens, or perhaps from the child within me whispering of danger. 'Run...run! This man is not for you....Run.'

Twice I heard this and wondered...he was awesome, wasn't he? He was sweet, wasn't he?

He was funny, he was caring, wasn't he?

Awesome when he began physical aggression and would not take no for an answer...

Sweet when two months in to the relationship he was back talking to his x-gf...(I found out weeks later)...

Funny when he spoke in dulcet tones regarding my usefulness in this world, my ugliness and whore-some-ness, my lack of ability to do anything right, ever.

Dear friends...be kind...to yourself...

Be loving and attentive...to that broken woman inside, she's mending, but slowly and by degrees...give yourself patience...give yourself everything you've given to those who fall within your radar and watch you grow...I promise....

'Love saves us,' remember?