Cycling through

August 21, 2022

It's true.... from one moment to the next I am content and believing that I can and will make it; then on to oh my god I am so tired and lost and alone, to anger and a deep seated shame of rejection that I just can't seem to shake no matter how many times I speak the truth; that what he did is on him not me.

It is a rollercoaster ride of emotional upheaval that I'm coming to learn means just hanging on for dear life and in cowboy terms hoping to ride that bronc or bull over the eight second mark.

For a long time I've been fighting the tide and hoping to stem the emotions and feelings that just keeping bobbing to the surface and throwing anchor in my brain. Some days are worse than others, much much worse. They pin me wherever I happen to be when hit with the tsunami, no warning just a total barrage of mental gymnastics.

If I could teach the unaware in dealing with abuse survivors it would be to have the utmost patience and compassion. That person is re-living the hell they went through everyday, and God help them if something triggers a flashback. Total shutdown. Oh we will respond like normal, complete our duties, smile and laugh but all the while we are fighting a war inside our heads that says this life is too hard. You see we have lost so many battles that it is almost impossible to believe or hope in a future we cannot begin to see.

We had been taught that we are useless, worthless, ugly, and lucky to have the abuser cause who else would want us? Slowly but surely our confidence and belief in ourselves is eradicated until only a shell is left standing, a puppet for the puppet master if you will.

**We live as they wish and once we arrive there all respect is gone, nothing but contempt is left for the very creature THEY created.**

So.... love the survivor (and the one still a prisoner, even more so!) with all you have until they believe once more that they are worthy of love and kindness.

Stay strong dear ones and live, live, live to fight another day. You will make it! you got this.