Damages..

With time on my hands I sit with my hot cup of heaven this morning and contemplate choices....and the vulnerability of a soft soul, of a free spirit.

As soon as my eyes opened this morning I exhaled a breath that seemed to come straight from my toes, traveled up my body and out through my mouth. As though I had been holding onto that breath for some time and finally, was able to release it.

Fear is usually the first feeling of the day, with its twin, anxiety, following closely on its heels. Where am I going, what am I re-making myself into? Fear of the future, fear of the present and fear of the past...every one a heavy hitter. As soon as the thought process begins, I am up making a coffee, tuning into YouTube for healing music and heading for the laptop. I have learned that the only way to disrupt the destructive thought processes is to get up, get moving and if I can...write it out.

I have clear goals most days, plans set in motion to keep my mind on a positive bent.

I understand so much clearer these days.... that distraction is a trauma tool.

I understand so much more these days...about myself and the need to feel loved and necessary...the need to be needed....the need for approval from the ones I love...

the need to be productive, or else what use am I?

Oh dear hearts the lies spoken over you during your time in hell...they are just that...lies.

And yet...here I am still, in some ways, living in such a way as to feel....useful.

It brings to mind a story the man in my personal story told me, about an x...and even then...even then I questioned the tale and the truth behind the story.

It was told in an offhand, casually cruel way...looking back...

The victim, for victim she was, in question was sitting on the couch one day, writing in a journal or notebook. When asked what she was doing, what she was writing...she replied "I am writing down all the things I do in a day.' Wasn't that strange, said the monster?

I understand...oh my heart breaks for that nameless woman sitting with heartbreak and yet a determination to prove her worth, if only to herself. I commend her, I cry for her, my heart aches for her pain and I pray for her in hopes she has found her peace after living with the evil present in the man, the monster.

And there are more, many more......it is odd and yet I feel connected to these former gf's of the man I once loved with all my heart. We share a common pain. According to sources, I am not the first victim...perhaps the most physically and emotionally damaged, however we all shared a similar experience, share scars and the stories that put them there. Share a common enemy...the star of the show....I have not met any of his former loves and I do not need to, to know that they have lived through the horror, through the battle fought on the soil of their souls and sometimes on their physical bodies. And my heart weeps....and so I pray...

I pray for future victims...

I pray for the discarded victims...the victims who ran as far and as fast as they could.

I pray for his soul...for it is in dire need.

I pray for wisdom and the grace to walk it out.

I pray to be heard...to be seen so this cycle will grind to a halt.

I pray to gird my loins with armour...to gird my heart, my mind and my mouth.

I pray continually for love and understanding for others but most especially for those who have dropped the ball in regards to the man I ran from...for there are many.

My focus is teaching moments...moments used to teach those who are failing to understand the gravity of the situation and to those who do understand the profound weight of this case but continue to sidestep. Teaching moments that encompass standing and speaking my truth...that encompass perseverance and determination to see this through to the end.

It is a hard truth to swallow.....the very individuals tasked with our protection and with upholding the law are fallible. That trust cannot and will not be given unless it is first earned.

Dear hearts...stay strong and speak...

With every word spoken in firmness, in tears, in frustration and anger...you will gain strength.

It is difficult once again to express in words the sweet relief that flows deep within, when I finally stand for me. The confidence built with every rock you place on top of the other, creating a foundation of stone, a foundation that will not be blown down by anyone, ever again.

My heart yearns for love, for peace... even as I prepare for battle knowing that peace only comes first, with war. Peacekeeper, warrior.... Gird yourselves for warfare, take up your sword and your shield and whilst praying for peace, do battle. War is dirty, bloody and sleepless...but do not give up hope while you fight...Peace is patiently waiting for you on the other side of this grungy, filthy, down in the muck and mud combat.

Taste the goodness of freedom, the goodness of love and joy to be found outside of that toxic, poisonous relationship.

Stay strong dear friends... survive to see another day, and another and another until God makes a way...for He will. When that time comes, run. Get out and get free...