Dark Days

Like the passing of winter into spring I yearn for the smell of green grass, feel the warmth of the sun and breeze on my face and the inner buoyancy felt with the lengthening of days. 0700 and it is dark and still outside my window with only the sound of a diesel engine warming up down the street, lights reflecting off streets composed mainly of ice and snow.

It suits my mood this morning... dark...and unwilling to be alone with my thoughts I switch on the t.v. I have been awake since 3 this morning and in a vain attempt to return to slumber I closed my eyes and tried to think on all that is good, all that is pure, all that is lovely. I was largely unsuccessful...largely.

Dear friends, on this lonely path to recovery, it is a solitary path and must needs be, it would do well to remember that not every moment is filled with resolve.

Not every moment will be filled with the light of love...for what is love without hate? What is light without darkness? There is a darkness within that I have battled my entire life...looking back I see moments the darkness won and I would shut down to prevent others from witnessing my battle or worse, be drawn into that lightless, seemingly bottomless pit.

Today I am not filled with hope.... I am filled with despair.

And yet.... this too shall pass... I know deep deep down that somewhere in that endlessly murky pit is a presence that never leaves me.

'If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.'

psalms 139:8

No matter how far down in the depths I descend I have this ironclad faith, and sense, that He is there with me. And it sustains me.

Never alone.... I will thank God everyday for the air I breathe, for the grace He gives me, for the smile of a stranger, for the love of a child who never judges, for the time I need to heal....

I do not know what the future holds for me and this is what scares me....

I do not know how to make my way through the pitfalls and obstacles of healing my own mind and heart...

I do not know how to reach those who are unreachable in my personal life...

I walk out every day with fear and trepidation and I must tell you all that it is exhausting and overwhelming.

I do not tell you this to gain sympathy, and hopefully not judgement, but to inform... to educate....to enlighten those who truly do not understand the impediments that hinder healing and growth within the abuse victim/survivor.

It is somewhat like being a porcupine with all your quills on constant alert, ready for battle. Swinging this way and that, scanning for dangers, fearing that everyone in your path is a potential predator. Every nerve ending ready to fight to survive.... only to settle back in the corner you placed yourself in to protect at all costs, and view your bit of real estate, chest heaving with exertion, to see nothing. No predators... no enemy waiting in the wings...

....and yet you know without a shadow of a doubt that your enemy is just waiting to pounce...but do not know where or when or how.

Fear squared and straight jacket worthy ruminations that can only lead to personal ruination.

And yet...until the situation between Monster and Victim is resolved, in order to survive and live to see the light of day, the survivor must maintain a vigil if you will. Maintain a guardedness and preparedness against any and all attacks...

Fear is a funny thing... they say you can only be afraid for so long before the brain retreats back to sanity and some measure of peace. Hypervigilance is a trained response and defies the logic of the mind and attempts thereof to bring you back to peace.

Trauma guided responses have to be un-learned, the mind re-trained, and takes a whole lot of time and commitment.

So, dear hearts... be kind to yourself and to others who are still stuck in the war for their lives.

Be compassionate and patient with those who are walking their way out of the darkest of places hoping that you will never, in your lifetime, have to experience.

Be accepting of their narrative as no one person will walk it out the same way.

Knowing that there is someone to catch you when you fall off the world once again, that no matter how dark it gets that someone loves you and accepts you is the greatest gift you can give. The. greatest. gift. ever.

You know who you are... you compassionate souls with a love the size of the ocean and just as deep...

I love you... and I thank you... we all thank you... every survivor, for the grace you extend is in reality a lifeline.

Thank You.