Dating...

Once again I drive...windows down, letting in the warm summer air...loose hair blowing round my face, music on high...and I think of allowing a new man in my life. Oh, there is no one on the horizon, damn if there isn't even a horizon at this point but I know the day will come and I will allow it, accept it and have an abundance of thankfulness for healing enough to do so.

I will allow no games...no belittling...no questionable behaviour but regarded as crazy or too sensitive. Oh dear god no... I will warn the newcomer that it will not be easy...I will not be easy...I will test and observe, 100% CIA level interrogative power level before I give an ounce of my heart away...I am stronger for what was endured...better...but, I am flawed...a patchwork of parts pieced back together...a Frankensteins monster if you will.

Dear hearts...I would once again speak truth, gently, but spoken nonetheless...we will never be the same person we were, before...pre-trauma...pre-loss and grief and betrayals...

No, never the same but better...we will carry those scars upon our hearts, our minds and our spirits for the rest of our lives. For that I am sorrier than I can ever say, but it is what I have come to believe.

My experiences, and I'm correctly assuming yours as well, have shaped me, molded me, melded me until I gaze out of eyes belonging to someone else...observing, cataloguing, perceiving...do not fool yourself friends of survivors, victims, lost ones...we started the torturous relationship the same. With questions...with queries...with asking for the truth.

Sadly, we are played by masters of their craft...look back at their history, the long line of broken women, affairs, side pieces and online 'buddies' they have practiced on. Do not be dismayed, nor ashamed. The ignominy is theirs and theirs only...responsibility rests solely on their tormenting, perverse shoulders. Acts committed, words spoken and secrets thought hidden were and are a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day choice all the while turning it on the one person who loves and forgives. It is never their fault...circumstances are continually twisted to explain away the debase behaviours and harsh actions.

So...dating...yes, one day...anothers lips on mine? Yes...a true man, a real man, a righteous man...hell yes.

There is light and hope at the end of the tunnel dear hearts...always we are one decision, one turn of the corner away from a different life...a better life...a good life filled with true love and laughter, kindness and compassion. God will make a way.