Dear Jesus.... it's me

July 1st

Happy Canada day dear hearts! May your day and weekend be filled with love and hope and joy.

I had a moment, ok many moments, this past week where I said those very words. 'Dear Jesus, its me.... are you listening?'

I reached an all time low and as I drove 2 hours to work and back this week I had much time to contemplate. Too much time. I was heading back to the very place I had spent 3 1/2 months last fall working with my now x. Sick to my stomach with dread and anxiety each day as I relived those torturous days in my mind. He wasn't going to be there but it truly doesn't matter does it? He was there in spirit with me, speaking cruel words and showing his true colours. I am a medic/safety advisor on site and was when the project finished the end of December due to our very cold winters up North here in British Columbia.

Silent screams echoed in my head and heart every minute of every day.

I made it.... I stuck it out and saw a few familiar faces back to finish the road construction as well as quite a few new ones.

I feel outside my body, like someone else is doing the talking and moving and caring. My brain has been flashing neon signs of 'GET OUT!!!' Survivor instinct I believe, but there is still that part of my cavewoman brain that rules survival, that is telling me not to go back.

So, if you find a moment perhaps you could send up a prayer or two. I need a clear mind and heart in order to truly take care of the crew. It's not fair to them to have half a person.... most likely less.

Dear hearts, stay strong and survive! If you're not out already, God will make a way. The road out seems so scary but believe me when I say despite the low moments I know that I am in a better place. A place of peace and hope. In the situation I had no hope, none. The only direction now is up, up that mountain and over and on the other side..... such beauty and joy.

God bless you all. xoxoxo.