Deserve...

I don't deserve what you give me...God, my heart bursts with grace, with love, with hope, with humility...so much so I know not how to house it all and so I give it back....I give thanks, I give love...and it seems to me it's not enough but you love me right where I am, no matter where I am...always.

I am overcome...my eyes fill and flow, fill and flow...my heart fills so completely I swear it will explode...and still, more pours in each moment of each day...I FEEL you here, feel you beside me, in me, around me, surrounding me in love, in forgiveness, in grace...

I praise the works of your Hands...I rejoice in You...I take joy, take peace and walk, run, climb....

I sat this morning reading over this short blurb I wrote while seeing, hearing and knowing the goodness of God in so many situations I hardly know where to turn...as far as the East is from the West so too are the fears of the past...the torment, the torture, the affliction, the pit growing in size until the mouth yawned large and in charge with no way out...or so I believed, had been led to believe that the only way out was death...the only answer was leaving this world whether by his hand, fists, feet and any item within reach, or by my own hand.

So far removed that I shudder with the leavings of memories that float across my mind...thankful everyday for His provision...I would listen to Waymaker (elevation music) and graves unto gardens and hope....and pray...pushed to the ground, boot stomped and broken I would lift my head and pray for rescue...oh I do not speak out of turn dear hearts...this is all familiar territory to survivors, to those still in the pit seeking a way clear but believing with every ounce of their being that it will never come...a pipe dream, a fantasy...when in fact we live with one who lives in their own world of delusion and illusion, seeking only their pleasure and how incredibly horrible is it that what brings pleasure is the pain and sorrow of their current victim, their current source. Evil...truly.

God and I have many conversations regarding justice...recompense...and I am continually pulled to scriptures that speak of 'vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.' I hear a quiet voice whispering of the road to justice, of allowing him to destroy himself as he has over and over and over again...of the box he has built himself into with no escape...hemmed in by the law, by the rules placed over his life...jailed more effectively by his own actions than mere bars, locks, slamming doors and pretty orange outfits, though he has experienced this as well.

I return to sanity and continue on...my path clear, the journey full of wonder, full of healing and growing pains...today my journey takes me to warmer climates, hallelujah....and I rejoice. in the works of His hands once more.

Do not fear my friends...by one way or another, justice comes...living in their head is part of that justice...it is ruled by suspicion, despite or no...because of their actions they believe everyone around them must think the same, be doing the same...

It is ruled by chaos, by confusion, by perverse pleasures to distract from the overwhelming cacophony of voices screaming within....they have one purpose dear treasures, to forget, to push down, to distract at any cost from the shame and guilt that lives so close to the surface. Instead they feed the ego...they feed into their own lies about themselves until they stand on what they believe to be solid ground. Your fault, your responsibility...

Oh my friends....they live in hell on a daily basis, the momentary joys and laughter stopgaps...something to throw into the breach, into the hole sprung in the megalithic dam built to house all the wrongs, all the injustices perpetrated upon other persons.

Is it enough? I know not...some days I would say yes, some most definitely not. They sit in fear of losing control while all round them things fall, fail, implode...and so it becomes your problem, your toxicity, your craziness, despite the fact that they are the author, the creator, the puppet master pulling the strings....it is an insane world full of monsters, creatures of darkness and filth, of true derangement...all hidden under the mask they start with until that fades away in the need to control their environment in such a way as to protect the fragile-as-rv-toilet-paper false persona.

I know this...when we turn our face to the sun/Son, we find peace, we find hope, we find joy...when we leave the garbage where it belongs, we thrive...we grow in stature, in strength...and so I do just that dear hearts, I leave the trash in the pit and set my face to beauty, to love...love saves, hate kills....

My prayer for you today, and for me, is that we will seek that which is good, that which is lovely...we will give our attention to what sustains, to what builds...look back only to remind yourself of where you've come...to remind yourself of why you left. Tear the bandage off and look the truth straight in the face, they do not love...they use. When you feel weak, lonely and begin to think of missing them remember dear friends, what we miss is illusion, is fallacy, is a lie told to draw you in, again and again until you no longer know who you are.

There is more...so much more to life...it is good, so good. Full of peace, of joy, of hope...

Stand tall...walk proud...and speak your truth, to yourself first...kindly, with grace and dignity and with forgiveness...you are worthy of so much better, yes you...you in the pit, in peril, in fear...deserving of all that is good, of a magical kind of love...