Does He Know...

Yesterday was a day for deep conversation...alone with one crew member for the day, traversing the hot, dusty biways of many Forest Service Roads we spoke on relationship, on love and forgiveness and 'being the bigger person' (pssst...garbage alert, places the responsibility for the other persons behaviour on the victim).

We spoke on the seemingly inability to 'let go' of trauma, of the insidious bonding between abuser and victim...we spoke on trauma informed speech not only from others but our own inner narrative.

The single most important topic that came to the surface was 'does he know?'

This...this was the downfall of her thought, the anchor weighing her down in place and chaining her to a monster who most likely gave her no more thought than a croc gives thought to their next juicy meal to drag down to the depths.

This my friends, is what holds most survivors on a merry-go-round of distressing thought and emotion...did he KNOW what he was doing? Does he KNOW that what he did was wrong, was truly debase, horrid behaviour? Or was that illusion I was given in the beginning the true person?

Dear treasures...they know...they know all that they do, all the heinous acts committed are committed with full knowledge of the pain it causes you.

They set out consciously to maim...to torture...to rage...to let fists fly, to release words meant to strip flesh from your bones...intentionally, wittingly, calculatedly...

This not only trips up the victim, the survivor...oh no, it trips up those who think the abuser is charming, is kind and solicitous...everything they do, every person they meet is a means to an end, make no mistake.

Not one thing is done without forethought on how it can benefit them...how it creates smoke and mirrors to hide who they truly are...believe me my friends, the victim is slowly but consistently learning who the true person is behind closed doors, on the highway as they drive and rage...

I had occasion to see the face of my personal demon/monster yesterday...perhaps that sounds dramatic dear friends, however, as i've said before...step into the fading footsteps of the victim and you will see drama, you will see an evil force of nature the like of which will leave you forever changed. THAT is drama...and it is a part of each victims life and on into survivor-hood as the stalking continues.

I sat in shock...hardly noticing the small Halibut he was holding in triumph...

I sat in dismay and swamping sorrow...ah the sadness of witnessing truth in a face I once loved...in a face I once thought handsome and kind...

I sit today sifting through emotions...through feelings of triumph myself, but also of shock of a different kind. The shock of wondering if it was always thus and I was blinded by his deceit, his duplicitous nature...triumph as I witness the ten years he has aged since I last looked upon the face of a monster.

Aged...evil making an otherwise pleasant face ugly...

Evil sits hard upon the soul dear hearts...and is it's own kind of karma...

Like smokers fine lines, perpetual choice to harm others and take pleasure wherever you please, whenever you please no matter who it harms, tells upon the face...it ages, marks itself upon the face showcasing what lives within if you have eyes to see.

Justice comes...faster than I believed...

Justice shows in more ways than a faulty justice system...it comes calling upon their person...

Justice taking its pound of flesh, so to speak...

My wish would be to present a before and after picture to truly show God's own brand of justice...'For the wages of sin is death...' Romans 3. Truly death comes to the heart, soul, spirit and physical form...

The phrase "as above, so below" is an ancient quote to describe the idea that what happens in a higher realm or plane of existence also happens in a lower realm. It comes from an ancient piece of writing called the Emerald Tablet.

What is hidden will be brought to light...

Does he know....?

Yes dear lost ones...they know...you have no reason to NEED to explain basic human decency to an adult as you have been doing...over and over and over again...asking, begging, crying out for kindness, for the love they promised and did not deliver, for the understanding and equality they touted as a character trait...how horrific the shock to witness change from Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyl...from loving, joyful personage to devolved, insidious raging child...

You...me...each lost one, every survivor still shakily standing yet gaining strength with each passing of day into night, night into day....worthy of MORE...worthy of a magical kind of love.

Let us go through each day repeating this mantra...worthy of more, worthy of what we give out and hope for in turn...

Worthy....

May God remove the blinders from eyes too blind to see...too lost to know up from down...

May God grant grace, grant courage a hundred fold to those still in the mix...

May the love of a heavenly Father enfold, comfort, and uphold...

You..... are.... WORTHY.....