Down and Out

June 15th 0700

Out and down for the count of 3 days!

Infected tooth and subsequent root canal has knocked me on my keister. I thank you for your patience as I recover from this latest curve ball. Its interesting isn't it when life helps us slow down for a time? I always felt bad if I took too much time for myself, part of the training instilled in me from childhood and steadily reinforced by my abuser (make that my X-abuser). I still worry over finances and everything that isn't within my control but during this time I realized that what is important; my family and friends that I love so very very much. I honestly felt like I was going to have a heart attack. It was so bad that I couldn't hold any food down and when vomiting I'd have every blood vessel in my chest and upper arms/shoulders expanding until I thought they would burst.

I experienced such strong emotions that I felt like curling up into a ball and wishing for oblivion. I thought of all the times my mom was sick and lived alone and how that must have felt for her. You know these feelings of guilt and remorse that bash you all over the damn place.

And of course the x has to play into these thoughts, right? I bet you know the thoughts that serve only to drive you mad.

'maybe if I had loved him more.'

'if only I had communicated more effectively.'

'if I was prettier, in better shape...not so ugly.'

oh god.... on and on and on it went.

Welcome to my own peculiar and special circus... clowns and elephants and dancing bearded ladies.....

Today I wake with some fear again.... feeling lost and out of sorts and so unsure of where my destiny lies. So... I make this commitment to myself and I hope you'll join me.

the commitment to my mental health as well as physical health, the commitment to taking one moment at a time, the commitment to journal all my thoughts and emotions and last but not least to either find or start a group for women (and the few men out there suffering)here in my town.

A sort of AA for women in or out of abusive relationships. We ARE like addicts.... we become addicted to the ups and downs. As hard as it is to hear, it is truth. I read once that it is exactly like addition to heroine as the brain can not differ between the causes of the high levels of serotonin, only that it is getting them.

So... stay strong dear dear hearts. You are NOT alone! Reach out if you are feeling alone!

my hope with this blog is to build it for you... for all of you to help each other.

God bless you and keep you safe.