Expense...

'Arise, shine, for your light has come,

and the glory of the Lord rises upon you...' Isaiah 60:1

Arise dear hearts and walk it out, speak it out and stand tall in your strength, in your courage, in your promise...

Love....we know what love is NOT....

It is NOT neglect...abandonment...betrayal...physical torment...emotional and mental mind games....

Love is kind and true...Love thinks of and puts you first....

Love does not come at your expense for then it is not love at all.....

Slowly...in dribs and drabs, in spurts and spots, in trickles and streams... running me down and over, covering in grace, in kindness, in compassion...slowly the mind returns, the heart lifts, picks up its leaden feet and walks towards the light of love until bathed in it...until surrounded and protected.

Today I sip in silence...sit in silence...before I set the coffee down and sit at the computer, fingers poised over the keyboard, I reflect...I contemplate...ruminate...running the events of the past day or two through my mind...the kindness of a friend once more dropping wood and splitting it for the coming cold while I pile...the hug of a loved one....the news that the young crew member has ended her employment as of tomorrow and my heart rejoices in relief and yet...I felt I had more to learn, but God knows exactly what we need and how much we can handle so I let it and her go...I take the lessons learned, the wisdom gained and sit in it, letting it sink deep and know the next go-round I will be wiser, smarter....

Love does not come at my expense...and so I measure each relationship with this yardstick. I will give love freely, kindnesses compassionately and guard my heart....

Love does NOT come at your expense dear treasures...if you're feeling low, beat down, suicidal...these are not by-products of a loving relationship...if you are feeling lost, broken, confused...once again NOT the result of a loving, committed partnership.

See my friends...see and know that the problem lies not within, but without...it hides in the lies being fed you, the gaslighting, the betrayals, the mental games...you KNOW the wrong moments, the moments of pain and distress and know whence they come and who they come from....the confusion lies within yourself as you are fed words that are the absolute opposite of the actions enacted upon your person...

Do not be confused dear hearts...step back...find that quiet place within and stand there in silent reverie, viewing the events playing out on the big screen...now turn and see yourself, the words you speak, the actions of love and committment and loyalty....

Love does not come at your expense....if this is what you see, day in and day out, the need for confusion falls to the wayside, drops into the pit you left and clarity once more should reign free...

The truth you see....this is what you must rely on my friends....despite the heartache, the sorrow it brings, it also promises peace, joy and a life free of the hell you live at this very moment.

My prayer for you this chilly, bleary morning is for the blinders to come off...for the lies to fall prey to truth....for eyes to see and the heart of courage to accept that which you cannot change...ever. They are unchangeable, stubbornly rooted in their need to dominate, to belittle, to build themselves up by pushing you down to ever change.

Oh I am sorry sweet treasures all....I am so sorry....to see and to acknowledge what you have known from the start...that the only change will come from within...that the football field size red flags flapping in your face are true, are fact...that the words and short-lived actions of the abuser are fantasy, lies spun to catch you in their web and to slowly but surely drain you of life, of spark, of belief in yourself.

My prayer for you today is that you would find your way...safely and securely find your way to freedom from fear...safely find your way out of their loathing, of their distress and chaos-filled world.

Here is what is now missing from my life....

Fear, anxiety, performance oriented actions never reaching the goal, never being enough or being too much for the small man syndrome....consistent fight, flight, freeze or fawn moments and being on alert for which one is necessary in each interaction....

Ah the constant roller coaster feeling of living life to please the un-pleasable, unappeasable child living inside the adult body.

I do not miss that life my friends...and I wager you will not either....instead you will find kindness, compassion, love, joy, and peace...all the opposites of what is being lived out in your household this very moment. I wager you live out each moment on tenterhooks, on egg-shells never knowing if today will be a good day or a bad day....

Flee...for your sanity, for your mental health, for your emotional well-being, for your physical health and well-being....find your way free dear hearts, find your way to a life well lived and well loved. God bless your weary spirit, your oh-so tired heart and soul....God bless you with strength, with courage, with the pluckiness and confidence of a warrior standing against the tide of the enemy washing against their bulwarks, their defences...

Stand tall dear treasures....stand and walk proud and know your worth...speak your truth with kindness and grace, walk it out with compassion and wisdom...