Failure...

In so many ways...in so many moments choosing left instead of right, selfishly making way down paths dictated by fear, by former trauma...a step to the right, a pause in a choice, a glimmer of prayer for wisdom despite life's circumstances may have changed the course of pain and hurt for children that can never be reversed.

This morning and many, many mornings recently I have been sifting through failings...through times I know without a shadow of a doubt I would give everything I have in order to go back and do it again. Once again go through pain, suffering, betrayals, manipulations and narcissism to change the past.

This morning I sit in contemplation of events many years past...viewing them in a new light...one of forgiveness yes, but also of bringing light to dark areas suffused with guilt, regret and remorse.

For seventeen years I have moved as though through sludge, amidst thickest of thickets and brambles...burrs sticking to skin and tearing into flesh, hiding truths became second nature as I navigated damages done to children who did not deserve the tears and pain landed in their laps.

For years moving in trauma, finding head above water only to encounter more, dragged down to the darkest of depths once more.

I cringe at forgiveness given, chances handed out one after the other to those who deserved it not, all the while traversing the paths of children growing into adults and moving in their own trauma and pain.

I welcome flashbacks...I embrace heart rending memories...I open doors into silent places and spaces dusty with misuse...I ask God to come and sweep clean those spaces and ask for mercy, for grace for children already grown and moving along paths of their own choosing.

I ask for clarity, for eyes to see but more, I ask for love without judgement...

We are human and to be human is to err...to tread upon rocky paths and stumble...

What then? How long my friends? How long do we take on guilt and regret? How long do we bow the head in shame? When do we shed the weight of choices made years ago?

When we take on love in place of shame, when we take on grace in place of judgement...when we acknowledge mistakes again and again and embrace them...

Oh, I know, we've been here before...but minutely...in tiny sips and drips have we allowed the love of a Father to come in, thinking by holding shame close, by keeping head bowed we show our remorse, our pain in the doing, serving penance for years gone by...

It is time dear treasures...time to step away from shame, from guilt that would hold us down, weighted shoulders sinking, drowning, lost in the wilderness, alone but for the presence of a Creator who never leaves, nor forsakes, who loves through the mess, the chaos...

We acknowledge...we move on into life more abundant...never discarding those who still hold hurt and pain close, but loving as the Father loves...without measure.

We move and have our being, living examples of wisdom and experience gained through heartache and grace, pain and mercy...

Oh, how it haunts one...a physical ache in heart and soul...but joy comes in the morning my friends...joy comes...