Faith...

One cup of heaven down, a hot bath to start the day, and a second cup coming up. This morning the struggle continues, however, I would like to iterate a few things that sustain me during these fun-filled moments of anxiety and doom laden thoughts.

Family....Faith...and distraction. As much as I would love to tell you that most survivors find their way through without it, this would not be truth. Each of us has a go-to, that something that carries the day a tiny bit, whatever that may be. I don't game, though I've thought of it...immerse myself in a landscape built by creative geniuses and forget for awhile. My intuition tells me it would mean losing myself.... my own creative abilities would falter and perhaps fail.

And so I choose distractions that will not detract from my mental and emotional well-being...reading, word games, scrolling through endless tiktoks until I throw the phone away from me in disgust...this doesn't take as long as you would think...its all the same after a time, just regurgitated thoughts, ideas and over-the-top narcissism and grandiosity.

Faith....no matter what Faith you prescribe to...God, a higher-power, Buddha, Allah....Faith is believing in things unseen....“faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1.

When faced with death, when faced with torture....I will tell you what perhaps those that have seen battle, seen their own deaths would tell you...nothing brings you closer to Gods presence than the promise of death.

I have had such moments....moments I cried out to God for his mercy...moments I cried out to God to send someone to save me...moments I cried out wordlessly, silently screaming with every fibre of my being...

Dear hearts....I saw...I felt...I knew...sometimes not until later when reviewing in my head the events leading up to, during and after....if I hadn't believed before, the events of the past few years would have rung me in.

I can't explain it, I only know that in those moments I was not alone. Angels round about me, unseen, but felt.

Family....belonging....I would speak on behalf of all victims/survivors and urge you to love without borders or conditions...to give them a safe place to be. Anything else will lead to the cementing of every lie spoken over them...Anything less will open up shame and defeat... Do not blame the victim, do not shame the survivor dear friends. They do that quite well all on their own. The belief that something is wrong with them has been conditioned and pressed into every fold and groove of the cerebral cortex.

Would you add to that weight? Would you add to the pain and suffering of someone you love, someone who has been dragged through the depths of hell and back?

I pray you hear my heart friends and family of those immersed in it, or those who have escaped and even now are trying to navigate life with an albatross hanging bout their necks.

Their hearts and minds are heavy with it, their spirit tattered and tangled with despair and grief...

Your words bring life...or your words bring a stunning array of shame and sickness. There is no in-between. They cannot just 'get over it' and move on....They cannot just 'be ok already' and live life again...what life? The life of the victim/survivor has been gripped with both hands of the one they love, thrown into a Dyson blender and turned on 'high' mode....and when they finally find the courage to leave, to run..they are leaving behind everything they knew to be real along with most of their possessions; the sentimental, the things that represent who they are...taken...

Here they run...asking nothing from anyone but understanding and time...and hit a brick wall of judgement, disdain and impatience.

I have been blessed with some incredible family and friends, arms open wide with love, compassion and acceptance...to offset the few that were my own personal brick wall.

I've come to see that there are many who are simply not trauma informed, despite experiencing trauma themselves. I do not waste my anger or time on those who do not see, except to hope and pray they will learn compassion for themselves and others and make it through the healing process years after the experience. For some, it takes that long to work through it.

My apologies and thanks for your patience as I ramble on this morning....my thoughts are jumbled and somewhat jaded...and yet...

I love...and pray...and hope; for joy, for grace, for humility and for justice.

God speed today dear friends...God speed you on your way to all that is good and lovely, for you are worthy.