Fall, Fill, Full...

Rain falls hard upon the roof of my cozy home and in response I stop, turn off all devices, all sound that would take away from comfort offered by soothing drum and tinkle...I draw in breath and release all tension...I draw in another and allow peace and comfort to fill all hot spots, all the dross and chaff cluttering mind, soul and spirit.

I lay in bed last night wrestling with a chasm worthy of the Marianas Trench, filled with sorrow for my children...filled with pain and regret, full of mistakes made, penance committed yet refused, unable to find the proper road to recovery, to restoration, to healing...for them.

I fall daily, I trip minute by minute over my own culpability, my own failings and take them out for display, beseeching God to take me back, not for me, no...for them, for their heart health.

I wondered once again at my place on this earth...no matter what I do for those around me, I continue to stumble over this thought; it is all for naught if my own children suffer because of decisions made years before.

And so, I once again turn to prayer, to intercession, to answers from a God who believes in possibilities, who loves without recompense, without judgement or condition, who sees us as we are and who we were always meant to be.

Oh the torturous monster in my rearview pops into view occasionally but truly he has become a speck on the horizon, a gnat to be swatted away. The damages done are worked on daily; voice of disdain, of mean-spiritedness, of cruelty, continually discounted as I make my way through this life alone, independently achieving all I set out to do. Discounted as I stand before bullies, before narcissism, before anger and strife, happy to speak when necessary and content to walk away in wisdom and patience.

My friends...the battles are to be fought, justice sought out, but our close relationships take the largest chunk of time, of effort, of grace and mercy, kindness and compassion.

My heart wars with failure...my spirit groans as I lay upon my bed and I seek God's face for wisdom, for more of His mercy and grace, for restoration and healing within our family.

Work relationships, life circumstance can all be navigated and managed when our foundation is strong. I stand upon an island of strength, buoyed and reinforced by the love of one, by the acceptance and forever love of friendship, but oh...the waves, the storms that come to swamp, to tilt that foundation, to chip away at its core.

These are things I think on...no horror movie can match the bottomless well of fear, of loneliness, of absolute hatred of all that went before. I work on self, reflect on character flaws, map out plans and ideas to better the person I am but underlying each moment of triumph, of goals met and exceeded, are the three I cannot reach.

But God...but God.

"And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you."

Joel 2:25

I pray you hear my heart this morning dear treasures, I write not for attention nor for pity, but for prayers, for grace for those in the mix, for sharing experience in hopes one other reading may see and know the path NOT to take...to reach down deep within and make the choices that will firm up family foundations. To dig down under the chaos and fear, rejection and sorrow and find that which will heal, will provide comfort and grace to those within your care.

May you go today and each day forward gifted with wisdom of the ages, with courage to execute and plan for the future of those near and dear to you.

May God richly bless you with eyes to see, ears to hear and a mouth to speak truth and wisdom. May you be graced with a heart full of peace in the midst of chaos and horror.

May you be grounded in the Father of all things, mighty in power.