Fight....

'Fight for all you hold dear....' Narvik

After a trip into the cold weather early this morning, battling frozen streets sitting eerily silent and empty in this small quaint town, I savour my hot cup of heaven and think of war. This may seem strange to some, but I often think of the past/present wars and the heartache of seeing your boys go off to protect their country, never knowing if you are to ever see them again.

If all those years ago Canada had not gone to war against the Nazi's, if England and the allies had not fought against tyranny....had not fought against evil of the worst kind, where would we be today?

I ponder purpose this morning...perhaps the trip down war history lane is a consequence of not quite knowing what or where my future lays. The world is my oyster and nothing could feel worse....and yet, it is indescribably freeing...

As though preparing to step off a cliff , my heart....most mornings...and nights....hammers out a staccato beat of fear and anxiety. Even now, my mouth goes dry at the thoughts that flitter and flutter through my brain. My inner child, on the other hand, is laughing in joy at the vast opportunities that await. The chance to do what you love instead of doing what you must.

At moments I move as though in a fog....hands outstretched seeking I know not what...

Feet moving in a shuffle, to avoid tripping before I make it to where this path is leading me.

Eyes blind to what lies ahead I step out...and into faith.

Faith that I haven't come this far to quit now....

Faith that I haven't made it through hell to stop now...

Faith that I haven't battled evil to just lay down and die.

No...I will stand and fight evil...can I do any less than those who came before me? To the great great uncles who fought in WW2 for our freedom, or to the Great Great Great Uncle who ferried soldiers across Dunkirk to safety in his fishing vessel....There is warrior blood flowing in my veins and I can do no less than stand....and one day for other women in similar situations...women in a fight for their lives against the enemy that seeks to devour, to permanently maim.

Many times...many...I have thought of throwing in the towel, have given precious thought to succumbing to the poisonous voice in my head; telling me I'm useless, old and a failure with no hope of a future. I believe there will be many future moments of battle; against the belittling whispers, the taunts, the hateful words spoken over me floating to the surface, where they bob like apples just waiting to pull me down into the depths of despair.

Speak words of kindness to yourself , over yourself dear hearts....

You are not the evil things spoken over you...

You are not the thing he made you to be....

What you are is radiance and beauty and light...

Let the sun bathe you in light to chase the darkness away...Let your inner child out to play and heal and just enjoy life once more. To gaze in wonder at all the glorious beauty around us.... and soak it in.

The sparkle of icy trees in the bright winter sunlight, the instant before the heat of the sun melts it away...

....the chill morning air hovering above the river in a mist that blankets the earth and water alike...

....the darting of a red fox the colour of a sunset, across a quiet country road....

The hug of tiny arms round your neck....the larger hugs of your children....the loving words of a precious friend...

So much beauty to soak in.

These....these sustain and enrich and drive the shadows back....

Dear hearts....do not give up on hope....that glimmer you see is the light at the end of the longest tunnel you've ever traveled but it's there, and getting closer with every step you take on whatever path you've chosen. I pray for your safety and that God will keep you so and I pray for your healing journey, that you will find your way...that you will find your purpose.

Go with God dear friends.