Finding Neverland...

I sit this morning in repose, in reflection and think on Neverland...

Never again to accept cruelty...

Never again to accept belittling words couched as 'jokes'....

Never again to accept less than we deserve...

It isn't so far to Neverland, truly.......a step to the left, a jog to the right...'second star to the right and straight on 'til morning.'

They are not daily choices, not at first at least...no, they are moment by moment decisions, minute by minute determination to choose kindness, not just for others but for yourself as well.

These days I speak truth kindly where I can before moving away from the perpetrator of slight (is there ever such a thing?) cruelty...

These days I think on wisdom and where words will affect nothing, I move on my way in peace and understanding that I need not respond, nor speak in the face of idiocy, cruelty, mean-spirited thinking or flat out bullying.

I understand that the need to stand for myself may never come to an end...

I understand that the desire to see others free will only continue to grow and meld within a heart mended and yet still broken...

As the monster in my life harasses, stalks, takes pictures of me without my knowledge, promises retribution upon my head no matter where I may be or with who; I understand that some of those broken places remain so until the problem is resolved and that means moving forward with more advocating, speaking, moving within a corrupted justice system.

Corrupted by what you may ask...it is a fair question and one any survivor of abuse, trauma, torment and torture can tell you.

Corrupted by misogyny...

Corrupted by laziness...

Corrupted by apathy...

Corrupted by men most specifically who do not see fit to protect women and children...not in the moment, they're not mind readers or madames with crystal balls, no.

Not in the moment...the aftermath...the shame and blame placed on women for 'not leaving sooner,' for 'putting up with the hits, the torture.'

The aftermath of making a statement in the coldest room ever witnessed by myself...cold, grey, two chairs, a table and a cold, impersonal face waiting on your stumbling tearful words.

Corrupted by men and women within the Crown Counsel, tasked...TASKED with taking the letter of the law to the furthest reaches when dealing with serial domestic abusers...

.

What a set of three words...each one unfit to describe what happens within those four walls at the hands of the partner who promised to love you, to protect you, to be yours...raising a hand, a fist, a foot, a knee...blood flows free, bruises bloom wildly and confusion and self-doubt reign supreme.

Corrupted with apathy and a need to close cases quickly, expediently no matter the fallout for the one left to pick up the pieces of their lives all the while scanning whereever they go for the face of fear coming to finish what he started.

If each case culminating on the monster walking free committing murder upon the woman who dared to charge him for dark deeds done deliberately each and every day...if each of these ended up on his desk there would be no room for that lazy butt to sit.

Think me wrong, oh I wish to hear those words if it means googling statistics on the survival rate of women leaving their abusive partners and the shock of the numbers finally hitting home.

Seventy percent....do the math...that means the SURVIVAL rate of women leaving their abusers is only thirty percent....a third....30 %....

Seventy percent die at the hands of their former parnters....

Seventy.

Yes...I now walk away or speak my truth with words...walking away or holding a silent vigil and allowing that person to stand or sit uncomfortably speaks volumes...

I take protection and guardianship of my heart, my spirit, my mind, very very seriously.

Oh I still sit some days cringing at moments I have spoken up or walked away...

Neverland is not so far....and despite the cringe-worthy moments, I continue to embrace them and stay right there in neverland....never again...never to return to that beast or any of his ilk and make.

I see you....each one...even as you walk up to speak, I have taken your measure, have seen your character flaws in a milisecond and will act accordingly.

I see you...I see the evil plans, the thoughts filled with hatred of anything kind and full of light...

You believe yourself masked, hidden...no, not true...many are this intuitive and see you for who you truly are at your core....

Never....never to abase myself for your comfort...

Never to hold my tongue in favour of keeping the peace...

Never...

One such moment happened only this weekend...starting as they always do, with a joke, a sneer...and ending in words meant to harm, to inflict cruelty. I turned away and spoke the words of ill intent softly for his ears only and gave a snort/laugh of disbelief.

I spoke to the one who is with him of the words spoken...the lack of desire for ANYONE to see me, to spend time with me. The response...'Oh!'

I cringed after the phone call...was I right to speak up, was I right to stand for myself?

Oh my friends...the journey never ends...we will be called to stand at any given moment...but it is in those very moments of pain and rejection you will find your neverland...

It is in those moments you become the adult you needed to protect you as a child...

That person you always wished would stand for you, you are building and working to be...you are becoming with each word, each moment stood on shaking knees...

Oh bless your heart...you will make it, indeed you will...you have a strength within you unequaled in most, for the things you have experienced have brought a toughness, a grit that withstands storms that would knock others to their knees.

Find your neverland dear hearts...find your voice and speak truth, with dignity and grace...or hell, with roughness and hoarseness...as you move and stand you will find those rough edges smoothing out...you will find your voice softens with determination or rises with passion. All...ALL is well....

May God guide your steps and your days, with courage and comfort...may you know the peace that passes all understanding no matter what life is tossing your way in the moment.

May you know a love unlike any other...an eternal, creator type of love...accepted, cherished and loved exactly as you are.