Flashes...

...of memory...a taste, a smell, a voice, a song, a phrase...dumped unceremoniously and metaphorically back into the National Geographic version of your life...'the gazelle lowers its head to drink, blissfully unaware of the predator slowly approaching until with a snap of his teeth and incredibly forceful jaws the young gazelle is...lunch meat.' Well, this is how it plays out in my head...the incredibly horrific feeling of being invisible until you're far too visible, desperately wishing and praying for invisibility.

I do not dredge, I do not pull out the heavy equipment and turn around to dig up the ground for answers. No my friends, survivors would quite gladly forgot all that has transpired, gladly. The memories sluice in from a stream of running waters...trickling in at odd moments, peaceful moments I would even hazard to say. The mind taking the opportunity of calm to draw to the surface for healing, for mending. God knows what we need before we do...this past week once again was a learning tool, a testament to how far I've come and a lingering, litigious lesson on how far I have yet to go. I spent more time in this 100+ group of faces than I've spent with anyone in so long I had to brush off the mothballs for greeting strangers, creating conversation worthy moments, going below the surface when I could. I met with the arrogant, the timid, the unfailingly kind, too many alpha males to count, the energetically extroverted facilitators, the quiet and the loud...smiling with confidence through stilted, no interest-in-listening conversation...shaking strong hands and limp noodles, though to be fair, limp was the exception in this crowd of outdoor people. When I finally felt overwhelmed I listened to my mind, my body my heart and opted out of a second night of dinner and drinks. Dear hearts, the day that we begin to listen to what our mind and heart are telling us is a day to mark on the calendar in all caps as a day of success, of growth, of finally clawing our way to the surface and learning to breathe fresh free air.

Listen...take a moment and pay attention to what your body is telling you...a moment is all that is required to tune in to our own unique frequency, that still small voice that speaks to you in whispers, in shouts of alarm, in slow steady drops of wisdom... Today, dear treasures I listen to what my body is telling me once again and rest...recoup...revamp...I have found my safe place, within. I have found quiet to be my friend, my place of renewal...time alone a mighty tool to healing...flying over the province yesterday I was struck by the view of the Coastal mountains on my left and the splendour of the Rockies on my right...in awe I gazed upon the works of Gods Hand, the views blasting peace into my soul in a tsunami of epic proportions. The conversation between myself, the boss and a couple heading to Fort Nelson to see their son and the easy laughter before flight. The drive home from Prince George with my Boss one of comfortable sharing of family; loss, dementia, cancer to name a few. A hug given from a taciturn East Coaster, a gift. Oh the joy to be found to balance the sorrow...comfort and understanding in shared pain and grief a boon to the soul. You see dear hearts as we share our hearts and dive deeper beneath the surface chat, talk and conversation, we find peace...we find grace, we find hope...and better yet we proffer, we bestow grace, hope and comfort to those around us. One on one conversations that as we share truth with grace and dignity, we invite others to do the same...we open the door to more, to better, to creating a safe place for them to share a heavy burden and find it eased, find it easier to bear. The big Boss who went from easy joking, surface chatter over drinks amongst others who sat at the table, to turning in his chair and sharing something deep, something close to his heart and the pain, the sorrow but also the joy and reward of doing what was hard, what was difficult. You see my friends, we are not here only to work, to play, to drift...survivors, dear lost ones all...we were created in a hellish environment never to be the same, for a reason, for a season...when we run free, when we begin the journey of healing we think not on these things but we know our view is now skewed, twisted, different...I have come to see that our unique perspective on life enables us to glimpse, to dive deep beneath what is presented and reach out in love, reach out with hope... Dear treasures...we live in a foreign world and it is ok...better than ok...I gaze upon this world, upon people as I never have...I gaze and thank God for the view, no longer fighting the feeling of slight disorientation for it is within me this change. These fresh scars have altered the brain, the trauma re-wiring the internal workings of mind, of heart, of spirit. We will never be the same my friends, and for good reason. We have much to do...much work in healing, in self-reflection and self-love, self-respect. Do not be overwhelmed, it is accomplished minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day as we walk it out...talk it out...sit it out, until one morning we wake to find a lightening, a quickening of the heart...like a life giving shock to the heart, we wake to find new life, new hope on the horizon...and we walk taller, stand prouder, speak more and conversely, speak less... There is no such thing as impossible though I believed so not that long ago... Impossible becomes possible... Dark becomes lighter by degrees until we are standing in a pool of the brightest of luminescence, our path no longer hidden by brambles, weeds, and de-activation. The mountain shrinks down to a manageable hike, we catch our breath in relief and thankfulness and continue on. The monster is exposed to be nothing...nada...a shadow, an illusion along with the fantasy person they created to draw you in. Cowards every one...truly dear hearts, truly.... Real men do not need to push you down into the pit to feel stronger, better...whatever it is that they are, it is not the standard...they represent evil, they represent torture and torment in degrees until you are broken down and sitting placidly in a boiling pot of death. Stand dear hearts...stand and speak your truth, with wisdom and grace...you are worthy, worthy of love, of light, of peace. I pray for your freedom, for your courage but especially for the scales to fall from your eyes and the grace to accept what you see and have known deep, deep down to be true. May God richly bless you today and every day forward, may His face shine upon you and light your world in radiance, in brilliance, showcasing your worth and the love of a Father that never fails, never leaves nor forsakes.