Flying under the Radar.... apparently not so much

May 31st 0540

Good morning 

I woke with gladness in my heart this morning. The heaviness and anxiety was mostly absent upon awakening and I am just so thankful. I made coffee and moved Blackjacks litter out to the dining room once more. I like to keep it close to him as he is so small and the possibility of him being too lazy to travel that far has me moving it nightly to the bedroom.

Ok, what I’ve accomplished so far; garbage taken out, tidying and organizing items and putting them in their proper places, dyed my hair (waiting on the timer before showering), made my bed, opened the curtains to let the sunshine in, washed the few dishes in the sink, wiped down counters, dealt with two kitty litter boxes, and I’m back talking with you all.

Some dread has snuck back in, low level anxiety and so on. I found in my junk mail today, while searching for something else, two notices from FB stating that a new Samsung 21 (which can only be dave) had logged into my fb account. Friday and yesterday.

I did the only sane thing and changed my password to ‘No More Shit 2022’ and contemplating the reaction I am having.

I’ve come to conclude that I am still in the subjugated narcissist victim mindset. Feeling the need to go through everything I’ve done in the last 11 or 12 days on fb and other things wondering what he’s going to get mad about now and I’m not even freaking with him anymore, nor have I reached out to anyone or done anything wrong. But the brain is still functioning on high alert despite me being alone and able to make my own decisions. He is NO longer in control of my life, and yet in some ways the residual effects are still resonating within me.

Freedom will take time to adjust to apparently. This is going to be a journey fraught with pitfalls and valleys and mountains to climb. It’s disturbing and frustrating to know that I still have those automatic responses. And yet with that same thought comes the knowledge that It will take time, lots of time and to be gentle yet firm with myself in this regard. I know logically that after 2 ½ years that flight response, that victim mentality will not disappear overnight or within a week, two weeks a month. I must re-train my mind.

I AM IN CONTROL NOW, not him. Not my abuser, my captor, my personal monster.

No longer.

Stay strong everyone.