Freedom From Fear day 13

It's a lonely morning this beautiful day full of sunshine, blue skies, the sound of birds trilling outside my windows and the soft touch of a kittens paws. No dread today, just loneliness. To compound that feeling, my older male cat has not returned from his night out. I let him out around 11 pm last night and he has not returned. Normally he is waiting outside the door and then meanders in slowly, as if he is giving me time to appreciate his entrance. I had a thought a short time ago. I think it natural that we are always trying to explain the behaviour of ourselves and animal behaviour.

Slim Jim (older male not quite a year old yet) and his brother came to us just before we started the road construction job last fall. Rowdy disappeared sometime ago and it just broke our hearts. Well I'm assuming it broke D's heart as Rowdy was his favourite and his buddy. Slim Jim was mine although Rowdy loved me too. I thought perhaps because we were with them often and in close proximity, during those 3 1/2 months living in a 24 ft camper, that it explained their closeness to us and their abandonment behaviour. The epiphany came as I was going over the emotional trauma of that time and it was quick, this realization.

We all suffered from his Abuse and I truly believe that the reason those cats looked at me like I was their whole world was because we went through that time together and they suffered at his hands as well. I won't go into it right this minute but know that he did not suffer a conscience when it came to the kittens and would frequently use them against me. Threatening to kill them, or letting them freeze outside when it became cold.

it still pains me greatly that I could not protect them from his monstrous behaviour. So many times, so many. Oh the guilt and the shame and the brokenhearted pain that threatens to overwhelm.

It goes both ways. Those kittens became my world, my comfort during a horrific time. They eased my pain and I choose to believe I did theirs as well.

Why? why must the innocent suffer at the hands of evil? And why? why couldn't I do SOMETHING? So much fear.

The suffering of those sweet animals became part of my motivation to make a change, to begin to stand against his Abuse.

We must protect the innocent or else how do we live with ourselves? This, this attitude of being a guardian to our children and pets and whoever else is within the circle of the abuse builds self respect. Start small, and find a way to navigate the pitfalls and traps of the abuser while being the protector, and you will soon find yourself also finding a way to navigate out of the situation. Suddenly you are standing outside the fear that constantly lives within you...viewing yourself as from a distance.

Do not fall to the pressure of shame and guilt, do not stay in that pit of filth and detritus, you are better than your circumstances and better than the person you're with. You truly are.

If you can one thing for yourself, do this; upon waking in the morning begin speaking life with one sentence.

I am a worthy, beautiful woman (man) and I will no longer live with shame and in fear. It may seem small but at some point you begin to believe it. Your brain believes whatever words you speak. So choose to speak encouraging words to yourself as if you're talking to a really close and important friend. You know you would say these things to a friend and mean them. Isn't it time you did the same for yourself?

You are your own best friend, now start walking that out and mark the first day on the calendar and in a week check in with yourself and see the difference it makes. Keep a hidden journal and write down your feelings, every deep dark nasty filthy secret thought. Write it out, but at the end of every entry?

Write out that mantra or whatever Line you wish to say everyday... all day.

my Friend.... you are worthy, you are enough, you are beautiful, you are loved.

Make it your life mission to love yourself first. Oh I know cause I'm still walking it out myself. It seems so fucking IMPOSSIBLE! It's akin to carting around an extra 300 pounds of emotional and mental weight.... it will drive you into the ground.

Plant those feet and stand. Stand for you. Its time.

This is your year dear hearts, it is your time to shine. Now get out there and shine.