Garbage in...Garbage Out

I heard birds this morning outside my window...one cup of heaven down and working on the second....it's early for signs of spring, this I know, however my heart leaps at the small sign that perhaps we are not as far away as we believe. Tomorrow is an important day in the ongoing saga of the case against the man I loved, wrong or right; I loved the sad boy I saw, the joyful, exuberant boy who took pleasure in laughing with me over silly things, I loved the man he portrayed but did not truly exist. Even now I see that man struggling to find purpose in the very things I suggested would be good for him....struggling to find purpose in ideas he scorned and laughed at in derision and disgust.

Woodworking projects....video-making for mechanics...sledding adventures...sunsets and sunrises in the mountains...outings that I was told were too expensive...

Finding purpose from his supply, who is no longer his supply....

I do not speak out of turn in order to exact some sort of revenge, or belittle the man I ran from. No dear hearts, I speak to shed a light into the darkness....mine.

I speak to unearth and examine...reflecting on where I stand in all that chaos, confusion and crippling fear....

This....once again, this is where the survivor struggles. There is no fear of becoming a narcissist...

The terrifying truth is this...we survivors fear one thing more than anything else, besides the monster, in this whole wide beautiful world....

That one thing Dear friends is hurting anyone...

We fear disappointing friends and family...

We fear taking on narcissistic traits of any kind...Psyche books tell us that everyone has some narcissistic traits in varying degrees and is in fact healthy to have a few.

The problem is that we chose at some point in our traumatic childhood to never see anyone hurt as we did, to never be the cause of that type of pain....pair that with a predator, with a twisted predator and you have the makings of an unhealthy, toxic relationship.

We seek to heal, they seek to harm...

We seek to love, they seek to soak it in...

We seek to give, they seek to take; to steal, to mimic, to bask in the warmth of your glow, your shine, your unconditional adoration....

And here is where life hits the pavement....HARD....road rash at every curve and at high speed....when unstoppable force meets an immovable object....

You begin to speak your truth, to stand for that broken and damaged child inside and shit hits the proverbial fan.

Garbage in....garbage out....

Healing hits the pavement here too....it hurts, it grates, it rubs the wrong way, it floats to the surface at all the wrong moments.....but my friends the garbage was shovelled in faster than you could process, faster than you could breathe and it must come out of where you stored it in order to survive.

Shine the light into the darkness...not all at once, no. A soft light here in the corner where the pain of hands hitting your face huddles piteously....hiding away where it doesn't hurt quite so much. A gentle word, a loving and forgiving touch and that piteous form turns to embrace freedom from taking any responsibility for being beaten. His responsibility, not yours. It is not your fault my healing, hurting friends. Never your fault....

Garage in...garbage out...

Stay safe and do not give up on hope; stand for yourselves and see the freedom of self respect grow and grow within you.